The First Annual Four Pins Movie Awards

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Yesterday, the nominations for the 86th Academy Awards were announced. While the Academy’s choices were certainly interesting, we couldn’t help but think that there were a few awards categories that they left out. No one cares about Best Sound Mixing—they just want to hear about boobs and drugs and what movie Ashton Kutcher is going to ruin this year. While the Academy may be too good to present awards for these superficial feats, I, on the other hand, have no dignity or shame. So, without further ado, I present to you the first annual Four Pins Movie Awards.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

1. award

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2. mikewilliams

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Black Guy Who Died Quickest In A Movie

Trey Songs - Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D

Kevin Hart – This Is The End

Lenny Kravitz – The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Winner: Michael K Williams – 12 Years A Slave

You come at the king, you best not miss.

3. springbreakers

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Best Fellatio Given To A Producer To Get A Role

Olivia Wilde – Rush

Margot Robbie – The Wolf of Wall Street

Mireille Enos – World War Z

Maria Bello – Prisoners

Winner: The Entire Cast of Spring Breakers including James Franco.

Don’t act like you didn’t, Selena.

4. butler

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Film Thirstiest For An Oscar

August: Osage County

12 Years A Slave

Captain Phillips

Philenoma

Winner:

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

How’s that snub feel?

5. franco

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The “I Hope I Didn’t Leave My Iron On Because I Haven’t Been Home Since 2012" Award

Paul Giamattii - Saving Mr. Banks, Romeo and Juliet, Parkland, All is Bright , Turbo, and John Dies at the End

Melissa Leo - Charlie Countryman, A Single Shot, Prisoners, Lee Daniels' The Butler, Oblivion, and Olympus Has Fallen

Winner: James Franco – Homefront, Sal, As I Lay Dying, This is the End, The
Iceman, Spring Breakers, Oz: The Great and Powerful, Lovelace, Palo Alto, Child of God, Third Person, and Interior. Leather Bar.

James Franco is the hardest working cat in the business. He was in 12 films in 2013 alone and you can’t even find the energy to order Chinese food over the phone. You should feel bad about yourself.

6. lonesurvivor

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The "I Cried Like A Little Bitch" Award

Winner: Lone Survivor

If you’d seen me, you would have thought I was going through menopause and listening to Adele.

7. dallas

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Film Most Likely To Be Mispronounced By Your Mom On The Phone

Specific Rim

Jon Don

Remission

Honest: Orange County

Winner: Dallas Mavericks Club

“It’s the one with the man from Failure to Lunch and the girl who’s married to Brad Affleck...hold on...let me ask your father."

8. joaquin

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Most Uncomfortable Masturbation Scene

Joseph Gordon Levitt – Don Jon

Jonah Hill – The Wolf of Wall Street

Danny McBride – This Is The End

Winner: Joaquin Phoenix – Her

The mustache didn’t help either.

9. tomhanks

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Best Glorification Of A Total Asshole

Benedict Cumberbach as Julian Asange – The Fifth Estate

Tom Hanks as Captain Richard Phillips – Captain Phillips

Leo as Jordan Belfort – The Wolf of Wall Street

Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs – Jobs

Winner: Tom Hanks as Walt Disney – Saving Mr. Banks

Walt Disney wasn’t just antiemetic, he was a member of the German American Bund, a pro-Nazi organization in the 1930s. Super lame.

10. jamesdeen

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Best Pornstar In A Major Motion Picture

Winner: James Deen – The Canyons

Not that James Deen, guys. Although I guess, "You’re tearing me apart!" is a line spoken in both their movies, but the implications are slightly different.

11. laststand

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Least Fucks Given By An Actor In A Shitty Movie

Bruce Willis – A Good Day To Die Hard

Brad Pitt – World War Z

James Franco – Oz The Great And Powerful

Robert De Niro – Grudge Match

Winner:Arnold Schwarzenegger – The Last Stand

Arnold has never cared about the quality of his movies, but recently he’s regressed into fabled "old man in sweats eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon" territory. I guess he’s just starring in movies so he can afford to hire new maids to impregnate.

12. judy

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Most Cocaine Done During Production By An Actor In A Leading Role

Charlie Day – Pacific Rim

Tom Cruise – Oblivion

Lindsey Lohan – The Canyons

Sharlto Copley - Elysium

Winner:Dame Judy Dench - Philomena

If you don’t think that this old broad rips lines in her trailer like she’s an '80s hair metal groupie with low self-esteem, then you're straight up lying to yourself.

13. idris

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Best Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman – Last Vegas

Morgan Freeman – Now You See Me

Morgan Freeman – Oblivion

Morgan Freeman – Olympus Has Fallen

Winner: Idris Elba – Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

See what I did there?

14. oprah

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Best Gigantic Monster That Ruins Everything

Smaug – The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Kaiju – Pacific Rim

Winner: Oprah Winfrey – Lee Daniels’ The Butler

“And if you all look under your seat, you’ll find a big middle finger! And you get a middle finger! And you get a middle finger!

15. meryl

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The Dame Helen Mirren Award For Lifetime Achievement In "Can Still Get It"

Michelle Pfieffer – The Family

Kim Basinger – Grudge Match

Julianne Moore – Carrie

Sandra Bullock – Gravity

Winner: Meryl Streep – August: Osage County

Damn, Meryl Streep just wins all of the awards.

16. afterearth

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The "I Got This Role Because Of Who My Dad Is" Award

Winner: Jayden Pinkett Smith – After Earf

Hey, not everybody can be Willow. I mean, she did “Whip My Hair”. Why even bother trying to match that shit?

17. evildead

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Best Totally Random Cameo

Channing Tatum – This Is The End

Channing Tatum – Don Jon

Tony Danza – Don Jon

Ed Harris - Gravity

Winner: Bruce Campbell – Evil Dead

If Bruce Campbell is in a movie—even if it’s only for a few moments—I will go to see it. He might secretly be the best actor ever.

18. thordarkworld

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Best Flow

Oscar Isaac – Inside Llewyn Davis

Bradley Cooper – The Hangover Part III

Jake Gyllenhall – Prisoners

Leo – The Great Gatsby

Winner: Chris Hemsworth – Thor: The Dark World

It’s Chris Hemworth’s hair’s world. We just live in it.

19. wahlberg

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Worst '90s Musician To Appear In A Movie

Lenny Kravitz – The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Mariah Carey – Lee Daniels’ The Butler

Lenny Kravitz – Lee Daniels’ The Butler

LL Cool J – Grudge Match

WINNER: Mark Wahlberg – 2 Guns

This movie was almost as bad as The Happening. Almost.

20. peeta

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The "Hurry Up And Die" Award

Winner: Josh Hutcherson as Peeta Meelark – The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

I honestly feel bad for Josh Hutcherson. He seems like a really nice guy, but his character is seriously the worst. Like, zero redeeming qualities.

21. vincevaughn

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Career Ender Award

M Night Shamalan – After Earth

Shia Lebouf – Howard Cantour.com

Keanu Reeves – 47 Ronin

Ryan Reynolds – R.I.P.D.

Winner: Vince Vaughn – The Internship, Delivery Man, A Case of You

I hate Vince Vaughn more than I've ever loved any single person in my entire life. I want to start a reverse Kickstarter to make sure he's never in another movie for as long as he lives. There's a special place in hell reserved for Vince Vaughn along with murderers, rapists and telemarketers.

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