All of the social medias were abuzz today regarding an upcoming Instagram announcement. There was a press event and everything. Shouts to New Balance clad ghost of Steve Jobs for making it mandatory that every tech company have a stage and a screen and presentation every time they come with that new new. A PRESS RELEASE WITH A DROPBOX LINK TO SOME HI-RES PHOTOS IS ALL WE NEED, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Peep the above photo of the struggle chamber location for this big announcement. YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, BRO? You need to get all the way the fuck outta Pinterest and get you a cool ass backdrop. Me? SHIT WOULDA BEEN A PEN & PIXEL ALBUM COVER COME TO LIFE. Instead, Instagram chose the room that one girl with 79,832 followers takes her selfies in.
So, I guess the big announcement was that Instagram now allows DMs. They don’t call them direct messages, but they’re essentially direct messages. You can share photos with people you follow and who follow you back because, evidently, like in real life, the Internet is like high school and is only cool and fun if you can exclude people.
What does this mean for Instagram users? For me and you? Nothing. BECAUSE IF I HAVE A PRIVATE PHOTO TO SHARE WITH YOU I WILL TEXT OR EMAIL IT TO YOU. I suppose this is a cool new feature, but I’m not that excited about it. Video sounded like it was gonna be cool, but now my feed regularly has even more hot garbage in it than it used to. And now that hot garbage is in moving picture form with horrendous audio.
You know whose user interaction will be impacted by Instagram Direct? Girls. Ladies of the Internet, now if you post a selfie that shows even a hint of skin—like an elbow or an earlobe—you will get the following comment: “Gurl, ur stunning. I own a clothing company and would love 4 u to model for us. Hit me back.” Or: “Gurl, ur stunning. I’m a photographer and always looking 4 new subjects. Hit me back.” Or: “Hit me back.” Or: "Gurl."
DEAR INSTAGRAM DEVELOPERS, YOU DO REALIZE THAT WITH ANY TECHNICAL INNOVATION YOU'RE INADVERTENTLY MAKING IT EASIER FOR GIRLS TO BE BOMBARDED WITH DICK PICS LIKE SHIT WAS A FUCKING DRONE STRIKE, RIGHT?
Everyone knows that if you really want to get a girl to respond, you just send her a pic of you wearing mesh basketball shorts with the caption: “Come thru.” 1,000% PERCENT SUCCESS RATE.