As many of you probably don’t know, today is the 21st birthday of this disgusting, filthy, incredible rabbit hole we call the Internet, or the Innanet as we've bestowed it here at Four Pins HQ. I’ve had many mixed emotions on the Internet these past 21 years. I mean, this is the place where I saw my first boob. The place where I had my heart broken for the first time in an AIM chat room. And the place that bestowed upon me a picture of 2 girls giving this guy a blowie that I printed out and that my mom eventually saw. I'm still hearing about that shit to this day. (I was 8 at the time and all types of fucked up.) So, this is a big thanks to you, Internet. Thanks for all the wisdom you’ve given me, all of the 30 year old men that tricked me into asking them a/s/l and, most definitely, all of the cyberbullying I had to put up with during middle school. You’re fucking fantastic.
I feel like the Internet just absolutely 100% fucked shit up. It completely changed everything and anything I wanted to experience in my life. 80’s gang violence, graffiti, Woodstock, a dude landing on the moon, Blue Magic, Metallica (when they were good)—these are all the kind of things I would have loved to see created by my generation to expose some real talent. But no, you know what I have? We got fucking Jenna Marbles making videos in her dingy living room and amassing a billion followers on Twitter. Kids tweeting her like, “I love your videos! I come home from school and watch all of your videos over and over again while I eat my a tub of Cherry Garcia because I’m a fat fucking miserable fuck.” You know what I wish I were doing after school instead of going in on some deep Wikipedia search binge about micropenises? Hitting up the fucking roller rink with my boys to try out our new routine. At least I’d be getting some cardio in.
Dude invented the vessel through which you tell the rest of the world how big a dump you took this morning, the least you could do is hit him with a struggle follow.
How fucking lazy has the Internet made us? I got a letter from my grandmother the other day and I almost cried. Like, this old ass lady actually took time out of her day to find a pen and paper just to write her spoiled as fuck, 5th year senior, no good grandkid a heartfelt letter. It’s not like she has anything better to do in that field of the walking dead we call Florida, but it’s the fucking thought that counts. That shit MOVED me, dog.
It’s crazy to believe that some gigantic nerd from Oxford invented this application that has changed everything we do on a daily basis from now until forever's forever. Up until about 20 minutes ago I was totally positive Al Gore invented the Internet. It’s the reason why he was VP, right? It certainly had nothing to do with all that fake global warming fear mongering. That’s at least what I thought all of my life. I'm running on fumes and shattered dreams over here, guys. You would think the dude that published the first web page ever would have more than 90,000 followers on Twitter. Dude invented the vessel through which you tell the rest of the world how big a dump you took this morning, the least you could do is hit him with a struggle follow. I mean, he is tweeting about CEO’s, dcif’s, web foundations and tweets directly to Congress so I guess it all evens out over time. Like, what in God’s name is a fucking dcif, bro?
So, thank you, but fuck you Internet. Thanks for giving me something to look at when I’m mega horny and need to sleep. Thanks for giving me 10 fake girlfriends that I never once met in real life. Thanks for making me lose out on an actual life 9 times out of 10. You’re the best. Keep doing you.
