They say that there’s porn for just about every niche out there. No matter what you’re into, you can find it somewhere on the Internet. Maybe you like big ol' butts, or Asians or maybe you’re into Brazilian midgets rubbing mayonnaise on their genitals. There exists porn involving balloons, clowns and even Fraggle Rock. Whatever the case may be, you’re almost always guaranteed to find it in the dark, moist, recesses of the taint we call The World Wide Web.
But every once in while, you’ll find something that hasn’t been made into porn yet. And, for a moment, you observe this piece of culture in its unsullied, innocent majesty, before deciding that it should be ruined forever. The following list contains a bunch of movies that are each respectable pieces of art that I feel would be much appreciated additions to the porn parody canon.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. eroticfilmlead
2. Rawdogs-Go-To-Heaven
Rawdogs Go To Heaven
Cold nose, warm pussy.
Bow wow, doing it doggy.
What’s a condom, yo?
That’s a haiku.
3. Pee-Wee's-Big-Erection
PeeWee's Big Erection
So, I already checked with Paul Ruebens and he seems to be totally on board with a porn parody of his movie. Turns out he’s really into porn. Who knew, right?
And all I had to pitch him was this: Pee Wee Herman “looses his bike” in the “basement” of a prostitute’s “Alamo”.
“You’re a dirty slut, Pee-Wee”
“I know you are, but what am I?”
4. American-History-Sex
American History Sex
Finally, a porno for racist skinheads. The last one of these to come out was way back in 92 when the Romper Stomper parody, Rumper Humper, was released, but that was only available in Australia. With an all-white cast, this edgy smut film is sure to make any neo-nazi—or dude with a small package—feel right at home.
5. DP-The-Mighty-Fucks
DP: The Mighty Fucks
Former NHL star, Gordon Bombay, hopes to lead his hockey team of misfits to the World Championship, but when the kids (who are of course played by way-too-old-to-be-kids adults) get back to their locker room, things get weird. Charlie Conway leads his team by dropping his gloves—and his pants—creating an atmosphere where nothing is “offsides”. The bash brothers run train on Connie Moreau after Kennan gives her the ol “knuckle puck”. Finally, at the climax, we see Julie “The Cat” Gaffney jerk off Gunnar Stahl—glove side, of course. He gets called for “icing” all over her face.
“And when everyone says it can’t be done—Ducks fuck together! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!”
6. the-Breakfast-Chub
The Breakfast Chub
The brain, the athlete, the basket case, the princess, and the criminal: five horny strangers who, when left unsupervised by their assistant principle, go to town on each other. Bender uses his fingerless gloves to give Claire the shocker, and Emilio plows the basketcase’s basket, all while the Anthony Michael Hall character jerks off in the corner and listens to “Simple Minds”. And then—when you least expect it—Vernon takes off his Barry Mantilow clothes and joins the party. “Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.”
7. Weekend-in-Bernie
Weekend In Bernie
Bernie Blowmax is an insurance company CEO and well-known mustachioed womanizer. Then, while shooting the shit on his island getaway, he falls victim to a fatal, heart-stopping beej to end all beej’s. The only problem is, nobody seems to notice that this dude has passed on to the great unknown. And when a party of high-wasted bikini-clad babes come to town Bernie’s not the only one who’s experiencing “rigor mortis”. A weekend of gangbanging ensues, proving that they don’t call Bernie a “stiff” for nothing!
8. WHo's-Eating-Gilbert's-Cock
Who's Eating Gilbert's Cock?
Juliette Lewis, that’s who. Even with her gross lesbo haircut, she’s still smoke. And I’m sure there are a bunch of porn stars who could play her part to a tee.
Oh, and for you weirdos who are dying to see Gilbert’s morbidly obese momma have a sex scene, Merry Christmas. BBW city.
9. Wet-Dreams-May-Cum
Wet Dreams May Cum
In the original film, Robin Williams and his Teen Wolf arms become the victims of a fatal car crash. He dies and goes to heaven, living in his own ideal paradise. He spends most of the movie running around in these big open fields, hanging out with his stupid Dalmatian and listening to Cuba Gooding Jr. rant for hours about, I assume, how much he wants to smother Jonathan Lipnicki with a pillow.
But let’s be real, if any one of us could make our own Shagri-La, it would be an all out orgy. Tits and ass as far as the eye can see. Like, Heavy Metal caliber boobage.
That’s why it would make the perfect porno. And the lead character’s name? Throbbin’ Williams, of course. Boom.
10. Who-ucked-Roger-Rabbit
Who Fucked Roger Rabbit?
Hey, it’s the 21st Century. Cartoon on cartoon, human on cartoon, rabbit on human—whatever gets you off. I voted for Ron Paul. I live by the idea that whatever you do in the privacy of your own home is fair game. If you want to jerk off to a coked-out bunny analing Christina Hendricks in cartoon form, then by all means, go for it, bro.
11. Ferris-Bueller-Jerks-Off
Ferris Bueller Jerks Off
Oohm bomp bomp…chic…chicka chicka…Ooooh Yeeaah.
12. Rain-Men--The-Golden-Shower-Story
Rain Men: The Golden Shower Story
Raymond is a very special man with an incredibly large bladder. When his yuppie brother, Charlie, finds out about this gift, he exploits it to make a profit. Poor Raymond is forced to “count the toothpicks” of ever person he is set up with and then, eventually, piss on their faces. It’s essentially what Tom Cruise did to the faces of everyone who saw Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.
13. The-Iron-Giant-Dildo
The Iron Giant Dildo
The year is 1957, and a little boy with too much time on his hands finds something in the woods: an enormous, mushroom-shaped rod made of metal. Little does he know, the pole was sent from space and has “magical powers”. He takes it home to show his mom, and it suddenly disappears. Also, mom has been listening to Michael Bublé in the bathtub for, like, an hour, so that’s weird.
14. Good-Night,-And-Good-Fuck
Good Night, And Good Fuck
McCarthyism used to be kind of a boner kill. And that’s why bros like Edward R. Murrow made it they’re job to tell McCarthy to suck their dicks. I think that we should pay homage to this dude’s heroism by literalizing everything I just said in the form of a porno. McCarthy just on his knees gobbling up the balls of the Murrow and the first amendment. That’s the taste of freedom, you sweaty bastard.
15. Monsters-Stink
Monster's Stink
True story: A long time ago, when I was a college freshman, I wrote a very serious essay about how Monster’s Inc. was secretly about coming out of the closet. To this day, I still stand firmly in this conviction. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that this movie would make a great porno—a great gay porno specifically.
I mean, Mike Wazowski is pretty much just a giant green ass with arms and legs. It’d be pretty easy to imagine his bro, Sully, getting all up in that. After all, Sully is known for making people scream.
16. Gangbangs-of-New-York
Gangbangs Of New York
Imagine a porno that was an hour and a half of greasy mustaches and top hats and black eyes and five o’clock shadows going at it in big pile of bodies so tightly entangled that you don’t know where one man’s mutton chops end and another’s begin. And in the center of it all—in the center of all of this hot sex and chaos—is John C Reilly and his weird, bridge troll face. I just finished.
17. Guess-Who's-Coming-At-Dinner
Guess Who's Cumming At Dinner
It’s every slightly racist father’s worst nightmare: his daughter brings home a black dude. After an uncomfortable dinner and a great deal of soul searching, the father decides to accept his daughter’s choice and approve of the couple’s marriage. But surprise—he doesn’t want to marry the daughter—he just wants to fuck! After dinner, they run upstairs and get Ebony and Ivory all over the new linens. When the smoke clears, it’s the mom’s (Kate Hepburn’s) turn to become “The African Queen”.
18. Citizen's-Kane
Citizen's Kane
Charles Fister Kane: business tycoon, self-made man, megalomaniac, poon slayer. The duration of the porn parody would primarily consist of Kane plowing droves of black and white pussy (pre-Technicolor, ya racist). The haut monde of porn would assert that this is the greatest in porno history, and the rest of us would agree, as to not seem like unsophisticated boobs (no pun intended), even though we’d secretly rather see Edward Penishands just one more time.
SPOILER ALERT: "Rosebud" is the nickname he gave his penis.