The Celebrity Endorsements We Wish Existed

Celebrities, both big and small, are the end all be all when it comes to unqualified hired guns for these brands out here needing a little extra boost from someone whose Twitter followers aren't mostly comprised of porn spambots. This is America, so celebs tend to be pretty busy. Thusly, the idea of getting paid stupid wild racks just to hold a fucking deodorant stick and smile isn’t really that hard of a sell. Both parties accrue currency and disregard females. It’s one of the true win-wins we have left in this unfair world.

The unfortunate thing about celebrity endorsements is that roughly 99.9% of them are boring as shit times infinity plus one. It’s like these brands hold a company wide contest for the Worst Fucking Celebrity Suggestions possible and every idiot trying to take home the ill new knife set emails in unlimited entries. Which is why I'm coming through with the illustrious chime in. I’ve become quietly accustomed to having my lavish intellectual properties stolen on the daily to begin with, so I figured I might as well make it easy for all y’all slimy agency reptilian simp idea jackers to pilfer my branding brilliance. You're welcome. Just don't fuck these up.

Skip Class is a writer living in Seattle. See more of his work here and follow him on Twitter here.

  • Carlos

    Goddamn, I could see the Birdman x Purell as a Chappelle show skit. *Prayer hands emoji*

  • Alex Bakk

    I don’t get the JR Smith one (in fact I guess I should know who he is first)

    But DAMN at first when reading the Bieber section I thought he had been actually carried in one of those things, like that’s actually how he went around. Not just taken off the ground by his bodyguard lmao

  • John

    This is actually TOO funny and really really well written!

  • SC

    the Larry David one could actually happen

  • Jeremy

    Woah, I need to get learned, are those really Madona’s arms?

  • Caste

    the purell bottle reads “papercut locator” haha