Twitter’s currency, like most social networks, is measured in degrees of approval—replies, favorites, retweets, sexual overtures from burned-out starlets (s/o to Amanda Bynes perpetually tweeting after she butt-chugs some Ace of Spades). Celebrities, who account for roughly 1% of Twitter users, garner 99% of digital daps, getting their egos stroked on the millisecondly, while they’re in the club screaming "#nonewfollowers!"
Yes, getting noticed by a celeb on Twitter is an astronomic numbers game. But, shit, that follow could be the start of everything. A few DMs lead to a cosign on your poetry blog, getting out of your mom’s basement, catching a whiff of Rick Rubin’s beard, et cetera. The world is 140 expertly-crafted characters away from being your prison bitch. Or, at least, a bit brighter for, like, thirty seconds.
So, gaze now on these ten crack commandments for getting a celebrity’s attention on Twitter. Understand this is less of a science than an art. You’re dabbling in alchemy tryna make gold out of the shit pile that is everything you’ve ever tweeted. It might drive you out of your comfort zone, but if you wanna get noticed, you’re going to have to kill the person you once were and come back equal parts charmer, charlatan and internet sociopath capable of anything.
Rick Morrison is a writer living in North Carolina. Follow him on Twitter here.