20 Surefire Ways To Avoid Wearing Pants

Image via Complex Original

Start A Meth Empire

We’ve all been there, cooking meth in a camper in the middle of the desert. You don’t wanna get the chemicals on your clothes, so you take them off and get weird with science. It's the perfect cover for when you want to take off your dungarees and let your legs breathe.

Post Up At Walmart

Walmart is pretty laissez-faire when it comes to their dress code policy. It's essentially a no-holds-bar, Thunderdome of crazy, barefoot people running around, buying industrial sized jugs of Mr. Pibb. There's some broad with bird shit in her hair, a dude in a gimp suit and the dead body that's been in the sporting goods section since 2012. Trust me, nobody will notice if you aren't wearing pants.

Wear A Fake Polio Blanket

This is also known as the "FDR Method.” Find a chair (preferably a wheelchair) and drape an old army blanket over your legs. What's going on underneath that blanket? Whatever you want, man. You can have your own pants-off dance-off under there and nobody will be the wiser.

Become That Old Dude At The Gym Who Swims For 10 Minutes And Then Chills In The Locker Room Naked For The Rest of The Day

Just a couple laps in that public pool is all you need. Now you have free license to let your wrinkly scrote fly while you make Captain Morgan poses on every locker room bench in the place. Oh, and make sure you make every younger guy feel as uncomfortable as possible while you casually tell them how Bill Russell was the greatest basketball player of all time.

Pro Tip: Rub Pinaud Clubman aftershave on your chest and forearms because that’s what old naked guys do for some reason.

Pretend You're One Of The Red Hot Chili Peppers

You can strut up and down the street almost bare-assed and even have people cheer you on if you play your cards right. Just throw your "Hillel Slovak" in a sock, and then write songs about having sex in California and nothing else for 20 years. Although, let’s be real, the Chili Peppers are better than any band you listen to.

Tie A Big Sweatshirt And A Fanny Pack Around Your Waist Like A Kid Going On A Fieldtrip To A Petting Zoo In 1994

Even if these two accessories don’t cover your business, people will be so appalled by the way you're dressed that they’re not going to even process the fact that your dick is out. If you're near a playground, indecent exposure will be the third, and least severe, thing you're getting locked up for.

Join An All Bagpipes Phil Collins Cover Band

Once a week, you and the boys of "Steezy Lover" meet up along a grassy knoll or in an old piano factory and shred/drone/whatever bagpipes do to the tune of "Another Day In Paradise." This is actually the only scenario on our list where not having to wear pants is strictly a bonus.

Get Admitted To A Hospital

A hospital is like spring break for no pants aficionados. Not only do you not have to wear the jeans you arrived in, you can also let your ass hang loose in one of those backless johnnies. Free ball so hard motherfuckers wanna find me.

Pretend You're A Homeless Person

I always see homeless dudes running around with no pants on and nobody really gives a fuck. The homeless are making the rest of us look like a bunch of chumps! There will be a down and out guy on the subway, with his pants around his ankles and I'll legit get kind of jealous. This guy's not laughing because he's crazy (he is btw), he's laughing because he knows how bad I want to not be wearing pants right now. He's rubbing it in my face. Some guys have all the luck, ya know?

Be Submissive To Your Controlling Girlfriend

Nah, sorry guys, I’ve gotta miss the fantasy draft. Jessica wants me to serve bruchetta and deviled-egg hors d'oeuvres to her and her friends at their Stephenie Meyer bookclub again. Yeah, it's super lame, but she told me that if I do this, she'll let me have sex with her this month. Is she making me wear the busboy outfit and the gag in my mouth again? No. I mean, well, yeah. But I don’t see what that has to do with anything.

Wear A Ten Gallon Hat And Carry A Guitar

For some reason, cowboys are allowed to be naked in public and it's no big deal. All you need is a racist looking hat and Ibanez and you suddenly have diplomatic immunity to dress like you’re never not at Burning Man.

Convince Everyone Around You That You Think You're Dreaming

Most everybody has a dream where they’re walking around in their underwear in front of everyone. In this scenario, all you need to do is pretend that you think you're dreaming so you can walk around without your pants on. "Man, I must be having one of those lucid dreams! I wonder if I can fly? I'm gonna have to pee so badly bad when I wake up! Shit, my teeth are falling out too? What does that mean?" Actually, I think your teeth ARE falling out—probably from when that guy punched you in the mouth because you weren't wearing pants in public and ranting like a lunatic. Smooth, bro.

Become Your Father

When you were growing up, your dad would chill in his drawers on weekends because he had to take care of kids and had no time to deal with the logistics of pants. Now, you are creeping up in years. Soon, you'll have children of your own to deal with and not a single second to put on a pair of jeans. And so the nightmare begins.

Sit Behind A Desk

If you've got your own office you best make sure you take off your pants and leave them off all day. Even if your secretary or colleague comes in, they won't be able to see your pantlessness behind your big ol' mahogany workstation. 100% of your bosses do this on a regular basis, in case you were wondering.

Join A Nudist Colony

On second thought, don’t. That's gross.

Get Mustard On Your Pants

Mustard is an asshole. This is pretty common knowledge. One minute, you're eating a tasty sandwich, the next, a big glob of fucking mustard is destroying your finest chinos. But maybe there’s a silver lining to this tragedy. You take your pants off, wash them in the bathroom, drape them over a chair and chill in your Fruit of the Looms.

Work From Home

Take it from me, I wasn't wearing any pants when I wrote this.

Wear A Snuggie

Snuggies are like backwards superhero capes for people who like eating jalapeno poppers butt naked at two in the afternoon. With one of these bad boys you can answer the door to pay the delivery man and only sort of feel like a complete waste of life. "The change is all yours, big guy," you tell him, not realizing that you shorted him by three dollars. But that's just part of life when you’re living like a goddamn king in the no pants game.