Shurt Feelings: Vol. IX

Image via Complex Original

Trinidad Jamie here needs to chill with this nonsense. Ain't no one trying to win the award for most shiny T-shirt ever made. This is the type of thing a male cheerleader buys after getting way too turnt off Lupe Fiasco songs and Kombucha.

Or born to lisp. Stars orbit, they don't fly. Besides the obvious atmospheric/verb confusion, it's also worth noting that this is just straight up terrible. Is this your big life announcement? That you were in fact born fly? If you got stabbed (don't see why that is out of the realm of possibility) that shirt would be in your autopsy photo.

F_CK O_TTA HERE

I'd like to buy a vowel and solve the puzzle, Pat. 

The hell's matter with you? What the fuck does this even mean? Tie dye mixed with ironic animal meets your ill weekend threesome with Big Buck Hunter and your virginity? We are in the midst of a recession and you think life is just one big sandals and jeans party.

Or "FUCK MEALS" because, yo, when was the last time they let you eat, son? Is bulimia rearing its ugly head in the streetwear T-shirt modeling world now too? Firstly, Ezekiel, I would like you to collabo with a large sandwich. Extra meat. Streetwear is primarily championed by slightly chubby sneaker nerds, not emaciated nose piercing juice cleanse enthusiasts. Drake said the whole team eatin'. You are on said team, which means you are allowed to eat something besides Youtube conscious hip-hop comment wars.

What you got there behind your back, Jonas? Your other annoying as fuck hair cut? It would appear you are an integral part of some athletic team with this pinstripe jersey number you are donning. Did the San Diego Neo-Goth Tumblr Thugs get a fixed gear polo squad together? Finally! Good for you dudes. Just remember to hurry back home after practice cause you have to finish customizing your couture line of death metal tote bags.

Oh, y'all weren't CC'd on the memo? No worries. So, yeah, the memo basically said we're all gonna dress like complete dickheads and pose like we are on some moodboard for a One Direction brainstorming kickoff. The boys wants to release some new, more "urban" inspired material. We need as many inspirational images we can get our hands on. That means plenty of paisley and probably studded pleather occult thingies.

Not a single Shurt Feelings goes by without some dude trying to "heart" something. I picture the "designer" shooting this heart pile of flour on black paper, while texting dick picks to some poor girl that believed him when he told her he "runs" a clothing line. The only thing you run is to and from the the food court during your lunch break from Journey's, bruh.

Please just Animorph into a fucking leopard already. You have my complete blessing. Clearly you were born as the wrong species and were meant to be one of the most majestic big cats of all time. Not that you asked my opinion, but if you are picking things you would rather be, might I suggest morphing into something that doesn't look like Peg Bundy's workout kit?

NOPE.

She wasn't with you at the "Being A Complete Pussy" shoot around either. Retire these b-word shirts. If a goatee is the only thing that separates you from being a uni-sex fit model than you for sure shouldn't be throwing around b-word quotes. I'd love to see one of my lady friends grab dude by his mushroom tip doo and put him in the full nelson. While he's hemmed she'd shout, "Say the first XX isn't better than the second one, pussy!"

Ezra, you know they are fucking with you with this one right here? Please tell me you are in on this joke. You're gonna seriously tell me that you didn't notice they took 3 for $12 assorted seasonal bargain bin panties from Victoria's Secret and made them into a man tank? You are officially doing the moist with this one. THE MOIST.