20 Things Non-Fashion Guys Would Like Explained

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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I write articles about all sorts of issues, from relationships to movies to life. People often say, "Why don’t you guys keep your articles to menswear," or "This isn’t bad, but menswear is better," or "If you slit your wrists, nobody would go to your funeral, you stupid, worthless motherfucker."

Well, truth be told, I don’t know a whole lot about menswear. I am essentially the janitor of Four Pins. They keep me around to take care of the things that nobody else wants to. They tell me to kill the rats, so I kill the rats. And hey, it turns out that I actually like killing rats. But I figured I'd throw you all a bone for once and write an article about menswear. It's a fashion article from my point of view—the real questions I've been pondering and been too afraid to ask. So hold onto your ascots, shit's about to get really real i.e. pathetic.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

1. 20nonmenswearlead

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2. trill

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3. dickovens

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4. steezcontagious

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5. packagejeans

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6. boloties

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7. crotchblowout

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8. trendycandles

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9. #12. Why Is This Plain White T-Shirt $120?

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10. kanyemask

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11. basic

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12. bieberpoopy

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13. doublemonk

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14. topbutton

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15. 400dollarsneakers

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16. alphet

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Who Is Al Phet?

Isn’t that that congressman who used to be on SNL? He doesn’t have very good fashion sense at all if you ask me. He looks like a ventriloquist dummy. Am I beating you all at your own game? I think I am, guys.

17. anklesbreath

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Gotta Let Them Ankles Breath, Huh?

Or are you guys just 19th Century prostitutes trying to hail a john? There must be some reason why pants haven’t gone past the ankles since 2010.

Wait, did you guys aren’t start a Newsies style street gang without telling me? No fair, guys! I wanna join!

18. elviscostello

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19. eatsoul

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So, Does This Guy Want To Eat My Soul Or What?

What’s the over/under on whether or not that bag he’s holding has human heads in it?

Oh snap! I just realized that he’s the dude from that '90s movie Powder. My bad!

20. trendysweats

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21. #1. When Did Menswear Models Become Pasty White Aliens?

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When Did Menswear Models Become Pasty White Aliens?

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being pasty. I’m pretty pasty myself. But I don’t seem to understand menswear’s new obsession with using ghostly dudes to showcase their clothing. These guys all have the same "Michael Shannon’s anemic nephew who has a balloon fetish" look going on. They’re some sort of cross between a timid baby horse and Christian Bale in The Machinist.

Also, why do they look so miserable? Smile or something, guys. I liked your clothes until I saw your sunken-eyed, "I’ve been to the edge of the abyss" expression. Are you trying to tell us that the clothes are wicked uncomfortable or something?

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