The Four Pins Brick Index

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Complex Original

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brick /brik/ [noun] : gaffe, blunder, a badly missed shot

By now you guys have come to expect hard-hitting, well-researched and impeccably crafted journalistic pieces from Four Pins. And we're keeping the hits coming just for you guys. In this case, we're pleased to present the official Four Pins Brick Index. What is the FPBI? Think of it like the NASDAQ, but for measuring how next level a brand may or may not actually be. Using a highly sophisticated algorithm, we've been able to figure out just how much of a supposedly amazing brand's offerings are straight up fucking bricks.

Why did a Brick Index have to be invented? IT'S INANE QUESTIONS LIKE THIS THAT MAKE EVERYONE HATE YOU. But to answer your stupid inquiry, it's because a label or designer's collection is a lot like an album. It's easy to point out the radio singles, but a few hot songs don't a classic make. For certified banger status you gotta be all killer and no filler.  From lookbooks to hype over a particular item to everyone on the Internet flexing some gratis gear, a variety of factors can obscure the true strength of any collection. Since we at Four Pins are basically professional assholes, we decided we'd rank some of the more popular menswear brands by the proportion of bricks they have in their current offerings.

Let me explain our methodology: Most of the brands cataloged before you have their own webshops, so we had our analysts peruse the items for sale and enter their findings into a supercomputer we call JAWNZ 5000. In the case that a brand didn't have stand-alone e-commerce, we simply looked at their most recent lookbook and third party stores that sell their clothing. All pieces in question were then categorized using a purely binary scale. As far as we are concerned, something is either dope or a brick. By tallying the amount of bricks in an entire offering we were then able to produce the brand's official Brick Percentage. What follows is our highly-sophisticated, heavily-researched and entirely accurate report of our findings.

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Saint Laurent

Brick Percentage: 92%

Saint Laurent may have dropped the "Yves," but I think they may have dropped the heat as well. Yeah, everyone fucking loves Hedi and the way he makes us all feel fat and boring. And sure, Saint Laurent might have a hot leather jacket and ONE sneaker silhouette that is dope, but have you guys really looked at the rest of what they sell? Not only can you buy a pair of white and black tiger striped pants that will make you look like Lil' Wayne circa when he first started falling off skateboards, but you can also buy what they call a "Pinaskullada" T-shirt. PINASKULLADA. I doubt even Forever 21 would use that graphic.

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Engineered Garments

Brick Percentage: 31%

Engineered Garments shoots the fucking lights out almost every fucking season. Don't agree with me? Think really expensive aprons and half vests and weird multi-print reversible jackets aren't really all that palatable? THAT'S CAUSE YOU GOT BAD TASTE, homie. In theory Daiki should get a perfect brick index score of 0 because he designed, so far, the best long shirt out. The only reason EG scored in the low 30s is because they still make bow ties. Ain't nobody needs a bowtie in 2014.

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Parting Thoughts

To recap, it's not as easy as it would seem to create a brick-free environment, even for your favorite designer. Who would've thought SLP would be making Paris seem like the new Brick City? Or that Ralph's RRL Ranch was built out of a surprising amount of bricks? Although, before we get all sanctimonious, let's realize WE ALL probably have a ridiculously high brick index score as people. I mean, just look at your past relationships. SHIT, WE WERE PROBABLY SOMEONE'S LIFE CHOICE BRICK. Think back soberly, your alphets two years ago were probably so bad that I'm gonna call you Redman from now on cause you the Mayor of Brick City, dawg. Admit it. Although, remember, you always miss the shots you don't take. But you can always stop taking shots and pass the ball to somebody better.

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