Abercrombie's In-House Guidelines For Dressing Like A Douchebag

May 06, 2013
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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! INTERNAL DOCUMENTS LEAKED FROM MAJOR CORPORATION! Buzzfeed calls this an "internal document" from Abercrombie & Fitch. I call this some shit a seventeen-year-old took home to make fun of. According to these awesome time capsules of objectively bad taste, we should all consider ourselves lucky—at least, those of us who have avoided employment at places like A&F. All the dudes I know who ever worked there thought they’d meet hot girls who wore skinny jeans and gave blowies, but instead of fellatio in poorly lit dressing rooms, all they ended up getting was a shift folding jeans with mad holes in them. THEY KEEP THE UGLY KIDS IN THE BACK. Check out these most likely laminated, step-by-step instructions on how to dress like a douchebag.

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If you go to a Buffalo Wild Wings right now, and I mean right now this very second wherever you are, you will see each one of these guys sitting at a table splitting a $22 tab 8 ways. All on credit cards.

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Dudebros would understand the half-tuck way easier if you just called it “The Gretzky”. The guy in the sweatshirt? In July? I swear to god, that guy is the “weed guy”. His favorite rapper is Macklemore. He plays Jack Johnson before he tries to fingerbang girls.

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Who doesn’t sag their pants just a little bit? The double cuff roll is highly #menswear. And don’t front like you haven’t obsessed over cuff size and the amount of sleeve to show, you fucking nerd. Don’t get all superior because these dudes wear flip-flops and have abs.

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Can you even imagine being the old ass 23-year-old who makes a living having to enforce the 1/2 inch shirt cuff rule on a bunch of teenagers? THAT WOULD REQUIRE SO MANY DRUGS.

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To the younger ladies reading this, you will be wearing one of these outfits the first time a dude tries to touch your vagina. He will have his sleeves rolled perfectly above his elbow like a mannequin. Jack Johnson will be playing.

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Options include: high rise short shorts, low rise short shorts or super skinny skinny jeans. WHY AREN’T YOU THROWING YOUR CINNABON UP EVERYDAY, KATRINA? WHY ARE YOU WEARING “STRAIGHT LEG” CUT, FATTY?!?!

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GODDAMNIT, JESSICA! I TOLD YOU TO PULL YOUR SLEEVES BELOW YOUR WRISTS! LET ME CATCH YOU AGAIN PULLING THEM UP AND I’LL SLIT YOUR VISIBLE FAT FUCKING WRISTS FOR YOU!

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