I've been Four Pins' official beat reporter for the Jos. A. Bank vs. Men's Wearhouse beef that has been shattering lives and striking fear into the hearts of sellers of crappy suits everywhere. Thankfully, much like Jay Z vs. Nas—with a few "Ether" and "Takeover"-like moves under their belts—the beef has officially been quashed, with one of the antagonists signing with the other. Finally, there are peace in these streets. YUP, THIS 1.8 BILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS DEAL PRETTY MUCH MIRRORED JAY Z AND NAS IN THE EARLY 2000s EXACTLY. Except, the clothing is way worse this time around. I could keep making silly jokes about two of the biggest purveyors of terrible suiting, but instead I'll mention how much of a boner the rest of the financial community has for this deal. Evidently, people are describing this as an "amazing piece of boardroom maneuvering," and a "well-choreographed value-creation waltz." WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU LEARN THESE GODAWFUL PHRASES? IN BUSINESS SCHOOL? Did you guys know that Men's Wearhouse's move to buy Jos. A. Bank after Jos. A. Bank tried to buy them is called the "Pac Man Defense"? ME NEITHER. JAY Z PULLED A PAC MAN AND ATE NAZ AFTER HE FUCKING ETHERED HIM! Pause?
You know what’s even crazier about this story? That hedge fund Eminence Capital is Men's Wearhouse's largest shareholder AND Jos. A. Bank's fourth largest shareholder. WHAT THE FUCK, CORPORATE AMERICA? So much for transparency. Anyway, the deed is done and, while it pains me to say, Men's Wearhouse, with their latest "buy 1 tie, get 54 suits free" addition, is now the fourth largest player in the U.S menswear retail space, after Macy's, Kohl's and J.C. Penney.