The Best And Worst Dressed (And Most Heavily On Drugs) At The 2014 American Music Awards

Image via Complex Original

Selena Gomez

Selena basically showed everyone up because she looked like a queen. Less is more. Plus, her entire back was exposed, which is an entirely different brand of sexy. Breaking up with Justin Bieber can save your life, fam.

T-Swizzle

Taylor didn't walk the red carpet because she opened the show, but I guess this looks pretty good. At least she's not wearing a onesie like last time. Shake those L's off, girl.

One Direction

Fresh out the nearest Topman. Also, Harry looks like he hasn't bathed since Taylor Swift dumped him.

Fergie

Former meth addict and pop star Fergie is back. She looked pretty good here, but as the night went on (and she started doing meth?) things took a turn for the worse.

Megan Trainor

I don't think I know who this is, which would become a running theme throughout the night.

The Kardashians

Can we just say that all three of them looked pretty damn good? But what you don't see here is that Kylie is wearing gold grills, officially moving her up in the Jenner-Dashian power rankings above the personality-less Kendall and just below French Montana's former beau and Amazonian goddess Khloe. (Kourtney's in last, obviously).

Nick Jonas

Jesus Christ, Nick Jonas, how are you going to get out of that fucking straightjacket? Those lapels are about as short as your solo career.

Ansel Elgort

*Reads Four Pins once*.

Kate Beckinsale

Kate Beckinsale, you're perfect in almost every way, but why the fuck do you have a snake necklace on? Are you about to throw it on the ground and watch it come to life? That's a Biblical reference, guys. SMFH, see you motherfuckers in hell.

Brantley Gilbert

Don't worry though, the award for all the terrible necklaces goes to this fool, who I've never heard of. A fucking rosary with a longhorn skull at the end? What am I even looking at? This guy must make music for sexually frustrated college dropouts everywhere.

Olivia Munn

This dress was made from all the Ferrero Rocher wrappers Olivia has eaten in the past year.

Skylar Grey

Though we share the same name, I cannot endorse another meth addict invading the red carpet. We've got our hands full with Fergie.

MAGIC!

AKA some dudes who just got off their shift at Urban Outfitters. Why you gotta be so swagless?

Sam Smith

BRUH, you've got on cross earrings and double monks and you're still more boring than a pair of Stan Smiths.

Heidi Klum

Heidi can still get it, but this is definitely a reject from Avril Lavigne's wardrobe.

Aloe Blacc

You've written one song that people have heard of. I don't think you get to wear T-shirts like this on the red carpet yet, homie.

Diana Ross

If there isn't an exposed boob to bounce up on stage, why is Diana Ross even here? Also, you look like a fucking pine cone, boo.

J.Lo

It looks like Jenny fell into a bin full of ballerina ribbon and just decided to tie them around herself and go with it. You're still hot as hell for a mom, but not wear-a-bunch-of-Band-Aids-in-public hot anymore. Sorry.

Wyclef Jean

Super fucking wack, but still not as bad as this shit. That's the nicest thing I can say here.

Ariana Grande's Brother

Coattail riding, thirst ball with a body paint shirt and pink jeans. I've got nothing.

Bleona Qereti

Much respect to the first chick with booking info in her Instagram bio to make it to the red carpet. Bleona is like the Rosa Parks of thots.

Iggy

Iggy won "Best Rap Album" and accepted the award in a power pantsuit in honor of '80s working moms everywhere. TI did 9/11.

Christina Milian and Lil Wayne

Weezy going with the very rare sweatpants on stage maneuver just to let everyone know how little the AMAs really mean. Thankfully for everyone involved, a lifetime's worth of lean abuse prevented an on-stage boner.

Pitbull

The entire night was a visibly drunk Pitbull sprinkling Spanish into his meaningless hosting duties. At least he wore a fucking tux. DALE!

Ariana Grande and The Weeknd

The Weeknd wore a Supreme jacket on national television and hypebeasts everywhere wept at the mainstreaming of their favorite brand, which took attention off of the fact that Ariana Grande got caught in a some type of Big Sean planted net/trap before the performance.

Nicki Minaj and a Fan

Fergie

Meth is one hell of a drug. Oh, right, sorry, welcome to 2008. Please take a number and have a seat. We'll be with you shortly.

Sam Smith and A$AP Rocky

Rocky, you're in LA. A scarf is not necessary, my guy.