The Best And Worst Dressed (And Most Heavily On Drugs) At The 86th Annual Academy Awards

The Oscars, an annual ceremony in which 90-year-old white dudes bestow awards to movies about gay and black people in order to feel good about themselves and further the illusion of cultural progress, took place last night. The show was, well, as boring as I just made it sound. Ellen brought the middle-of-the-road pleasant corniness you knew she would. Pink and Bette Midler performed. Shit was so boring I read The Two Towers during the acceptance speeches, but, to put things in perspective, there aren't many things more exciting than Sam and Frodo verbally sexting across the Dead Marshes for 50 pages. By now you know who dresses well and who doesn’t. There weren’t a lot of surprises here. The best part of Oscar night is seeing the jokes on Twitter and getting drunk enough to be honest about which 60+ actresses you would let gum you off.

And yet, the Oscars still captivate like no other award show can. We need that yearly reminder that movies are still important even though Oscar winners are more often seen on TV shows these days than in theaters. We need that reminder that Hermione grew up to be top 5 dead or alive. We need something to talk about after the Super Bowl and before the NBA playoffs. So, won't you join me in toasting the end—thank fuck—of award season?

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

  • big D

    so like… who was on drugs

    • queb

      I thought Glenn Close seemed pretty zonked. Travolta was for sure high on life.

    • Stephen Sebastián Chacon

      Angelo Spagnolo

  • OK_ok

    Why the fuck would the editors not let Moy write this?

    • obh

      Too busy writing an article about another popover

  • WAVY

    So you enjoyed that Gravity mess but didn’t see Scorsese ‘s latest? AND you liked Spring Breakers? AND Hermione is top 5? Shout out to Portland for having the best weed

  • pittalo

    But Pharrell doesn’t look old

    • John Stamos

      not old, but he does look 40. get at me when he’s 50 and looking like me

    • Kevin

      but he does look like a dildo with them shorts.

  • Jeremy K

    What a garbage post….You didn’t even watch the movies…..Your opinions are invalid.

    • Laura

      He wasn’t talking about the movies; the title of the article is best and worst dressed.

      • Jeremy K

        That didn’t stop him from commenting on the movies and even saying how he wouldn’t watch 12 years a slave. He brought up multiple times how he didn’t watch the movies, and mentioned Spring Breakers out of nowhere, which was also garbage. FOH with this stupid shit. Why even post this? It wasn’t even about fashion either, just who he has the hots for….

  • thughandles

    this writer is a complete pleb. you really like spring breakers?! na move along

  • Cnn

    Angelo and Pauly C both in one day; everyone reading four pins is in for a treat

  • Evil Merino

    Joseph Gordon-Levitt GET IN THE FUCKING ROBOT!

  • jx

    jared leto is jesus

  • DD

    Thank you on the U2!!! Im tired of them old ass mfs

  • Ey Ey Ey


  • DMX

    what about that french guy who was shaking more than michael j fox

  • disqus_944TVOoMyY

    Ellen Degeneres – Lil B voice