The Corny New York Fashion Week Think Pieces You'll Read This Season

Word on the street is it's Fashion Week in New York City. And while people who actually work in fashion are sitting in the front rows, you and I are here, in our rightful place, reading about the shit on the Internet. In the olden days, you could flip through a few runway slideshows, read some concise Tim Blanks recaps and pretty much get the gist of everything. Now, those who have weaseled their way into writing about fashion for money actually want us to think. They want us to consider, for roughly the 300th time, the adverse affects of bloggers sitting next to legitimate editors. Just let it be the superfluous spectacle of art and commerce it is supposed to be, we cry. Unfortunately, it is my job to pay attention to the fashions, and you're here reading, so you must be a slave to the cycle too. Come then, let's trudge together through the blizzard of shit that is the corny NYFW articles you’re bound to encounter this week.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

"Hidden Dangers for Street Style Stars," Fashionista

With inclement weather becoming as regular as the runway cycle, maintaining street style status has become deadlier than ever.

"With the snow, and then the constant flashing of cameras in your face, it gets really dangerous,” said GQ Fashion Editor Justin Doss. "I slipped on a patch of black ice and nearly scuffed my new visvims."

As street style photographers continue to multiply like bacterium in a petri dish, fashion’s elite have been forced into steadily riskier jay walking situations, and some fear injuries may be the new normal.

"You see us out here with boots, down jackets, scarves and think 'This guy’s fine,'" said Nick Wooster. "But these boots are Thom Browne. They’re not made for actual snow. I could step off a curb and twist my ankle at anytime."

On what could be done about the problem he added, "What can we do? Stomp on, for the slideshows that need to be clicked through. For the kids on Tumblr Googling 'sprezzatura' for the first time. That’s who we do it for."

"How to Avoid Interacting with Plebs at NYFW," Porter

First the bloggers invaded. Now, "blogging" is really just modern journalism, and with it a slew of common folk have descended upon the tents.

"Before the Internet, nobody knew what I looked like," said Cathy Horyn, who recently quit writing about fashion after becoming too fed up with plebs. "Now, any 22-year-old blogger can come up and introduce themselves to me. No, I didn’t see the blurb you wrote in Teen Vogue. Please die."

A Vogue intern, who spoke on the condition on anonymity, told us, "That’s why Mrs. Wintour prefers the winter shows. Wearing gloves reduces the chances of accidentally brushing skin against the working class."

"7 Metrics to Up Your Street Style Quotient," Fast Company

Data can help predict anything, even that as fluid as fashion.

"Our research shows the size of your scarf is proportional to your chances of getting street styled," said Edwin Hu, an analyst at the Fashion Statistic Institute. "A similar relationship can be seen with hats. The flopping motion of a wide brim catches the photographer's eye 40% better than a simple toque."

Though the weather is unpredictable, data can account for changes in temperature too.

"At warmer weather events like Pitti, ties, suspenders and bright accessories have a much bigger impact," Hu said. "In the snow, strong statement pieces like boots and outerwear are most important."

Despite a focus on basics, accessorization is still key.

"Red laces in your hikers will up your chance of being photographed 2%," Hu added. "The details still matter."

"Men 'Second class citizens' at NYFW," The New York Times

Despite their long and arduous struggle to get their own fashion week in New York City, men still face oppression at Lincoln Center.

"Look, did men invent clothes?" asked Michael Bastian, "Yes, I’m pretty sure we did. So why can’t the runway cycle conform to our schedule like everything else in the world?"

According to the Internet, luxury men's wear is the most profitable entity in the world, and yet the industry still runs by the clock of female buying seasons.

"All I can say is, lesbians," Bastian said, adding, “Amirite?!” totally messing up an attempt at a high five.

"Exposing Fashion Week’s Waste...on Acid!" VICE

Fashion Week generates more than 2 tons of unrecyclable plastics, according to a guy in horn-rimmed glasses and a vintage Barbour jacket.

"Stats like that really blow your mind,” he said. "Especially when you’re tripping balls."

But the needless waste doesn’t end on the runway. A Diane von Furstenberg intern was overheard laughing maniacally, while throwing her food waste into the trash in plain site of a marked compost receptacle after getting lunch at Whole Foods.

We tried to question DVF about her company's sustainability issues, but when I approached her, I totally thought she was my grandma. She told me I needed to go to church. I knelt at the pew and began to confess my sins, but came to my senses as I was dragged off the runway by security during the middle of her show.

"Wait, What's A VFiles?" Four Pins (written by me)

Last time I checked, VFiles was a website where you could upload collections of images? Now, apparently, they hold fashion shows featuring 900 garments that all look like your cousin Brenton's Tumblr pooped on a Hood By Air and had sex with a Been Trill in a mall bathroom. The New York Times doesn’t need to send actual journalists to cover the VFiles fashion show because, clearly, I just summed that shit up perfectly.

"Why Are You Here?: An Open Letter To Jon Moy From The CFDA"

Dear Jon,

Members of the CFDA became alarmed at the recurring sight of a homeless man wandering in the backs of crowds at fashion week. Security approached the man, who was hobbled and carrying a backpack full of dirty five-panel hats and to their surprise found that some of his clothes were actually expensive. We assume the entire outfit was gifted.

"How did he get in here?" Steven Kolb, CFDA CEO, whispered to his assistant.

"I guess he, like, knows some actual editors or something. Maybe it's a Make-A-Wish thing," she replied.

The CFDA cordially invites you, Mr. Moy, to not come to any more shows. If you do not heed this request, a sweeping "no caps lock" rule will be enforced at all presentations, which should at least keep you from communicating with anybody.

Thank you kindly,

The Council of Fashion Designers of America