The Dirty Secret Of Bucket Hats

A lot of people love to wear bucket hats. Our own Jon Moy is a self-proclaimed bucket hat aficionado. He's even gone so far as to call himself a "bucket hat purist" when presented with more outlandish bucket hat options. I get it. They have an air of "no fucks given" about them, and intend to evoke vibes of the beach, summer, day drinking and girls in bikinis. But they have a dirty secret that, until now, has been kept under lock and key by the powers that be. Big Bucket Hat has tried to keep this secret from you, preferring you live in the dark as you, continue to cop and confidently parade through the streets pretending you're Schoolboy Q. They say it's for your protection, but they're lying to you. You need to know the truth. You deserve it. Bucket hats make you look like a fucking baby.

No I don't! I know how hard it must be for you to admit, but it's true. Take one look at this photo and tell me this isn't like staring into the mirror. Not to be harsh, but in some ways, you should be embarrassed. Babies everywhere don't have a choice when it comes to rocking bucket hats. In fact, they have no control over anything they wear. They're fucking babies! But you, an adult man, have choices, and with all the options available you have consciously chosen to model your alphet after someone who can't even wipe his own ass. Is that how you see yourself? Aim higher.

And none of this even begins to address the fact you're never going to achieve the sheer swagger of a baby no matter how hard you try. Just look at this fucking steez lord. What a legend! While your devil may care attitude is merely an affection, babies literally don't care about anything besides, like, food and sleep because they're not even cognizant of their own existence. They barely recognize their own parents, let alone posses the mental capacity to make sure their new seersucker hat is positioned at the perfect angle. When it comes to a baby's inherent sprezz DNA, why even bother trying to compete?

Or, you know, disregard all that and buy this bucket from Thom Browne.

22 Responses to “The Dirty Secret Of Bucket Hats”

  1. pelle7

    I’m a new reader here at four pins. I must say you are right on spot with what clothing I’m interested in and you have some great thoughts and insights about menswear.

    But PLEASE can you dial down with the cursing and overall obnoxious language? To me it seems like you’re trying to sound bad ass to balance your interest for clothing, because if you’re interested in clothing as a man you’re obviously gay, not my opinion, but what some men used to think and some still do. Just be upfront with the fact that you like clothing and don’t bother with the people who don’t get it. Keep up the good work!

  2. young ketafiend

    if you get a legit bucket hat with a structured brim and flat top, you look like you’re on a goddam adventure instead of looking like a baby. Go drop $40 dollars on an actual patagonia bucket and go on some wild adventures while drunk, boi

  3. doucher

    this is the dumbest argument against an article of clothing I’ve ever heard. There’s a definite difference between the bucket hats I rocked as a shorty and the ones I like now

  4. Jordan

    thank you for an opinionated article. people are still going to wear them as long as people hype them up

  5. YungBucketHat

    bitches love babies. wear a bucket hat bitches will love you

  6. KennyFuckinPowers

    if there are 6ft2 babies with beards, then I guess I look like an infant

  7. paulalovescats

    Or you need something to shade the glare from all sides and you don’t care what it looks like. Why is it always form over function?


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