How Doug Turned Me Into A Hypebeast

If you're in your '20s and have never seen an episode of Nickelodeon's Doug, I weep for you. In fact, I question whether or not you really even had a childhood. As one of the three original Nicktoons (launching alongside Rugrats and Ren & Stimpy), Doug combined real world issues including, but not limited to: bullying, poverty, small town blues with boyhood wonder (s/o to tha gawd Quailman). It also poignantly introduced the frustrating, unavoidable coming of age experience known as "The Friend Zone." But amidst the sage advice and hopeless romance, one episode has likely had more of an impact on me than any other. Entitled "Doug's Cool Shoes," the 15 minute clip has, without a doubt, influenced countless real life episodes throughout my youth, including favorites such as, "Jake's Cool Shoes Part 31" and "Jake's Cool Shoes Part 84," which happened as recently as last week.

"Doug's Cool Shoes" chronicles the titular character's desire to seem cooler than the, speaking frankly, swagless basic he was (cargo shorts and sweater vests are not, and will never be, the wave), in hopes of redeeming the literal brick he threw up on a game-winning shot in a basketball game, by copping the hottest new kicks on the street, the Air Jets. Worn by the best basketball player in the world, Sky Davis, it's fair to assume the episode was directed at a generation of youngsters who were in the process of defining sneaker culture as we know it today, thanks to Nike, Michael Jordan and Wieden + Kennedy. Doug hits up the local sneaker spot to buy the new kicks, but is told there is only one pair left, a comically large size that the sales associate must stuff towels into for them to fit Doug's foot. As it turns out, the shoes are not only too big, but Doug is aslo a broke boi and only has enough for one shoe, so his arch nemesis, the far more swagged out, leather jacket wearing Roger Klotz (aka cartoon Macklemore) comes in and cops without hesitation.

Ultimately, Doug ends up discovering that Sky Davis wears the same garbaggio kicks he does, which gives him the confidence to defeat Roger on the hardwood, whose giant kicks obviously hinder his flow in the lane. The lesson here, even as a kid, was extremely fucking obvious: You don't need cool shoes to be cool because that shit is materialistic and blah blah blah. But as I watched re-runs of the episode in the weeks and years following, I began nitpicking the episode, frustrated as to why Doug didn't just get the kicks he so badly wanted. It seemed unfair. Why was it that all of the pairs in Doug's size were sold out? Why couldn't he get them anywhere else? Why didn't he have enough money to get them? But what irked me the most was that even though Doug's moral compass was seemingly back on track, he still hadn't gotten with Patti Mayonnaise. Homie didn't even try! In hindsight, he was so distracted by beating Roger Klotz in basketball that he forgot about Patti altogether, who earlier in the episode asked him to hang out. At the time, sure, sports were more important than girls, but now, when I think about it, like, talk about an even more epic brick than his literal one.

This desire to complete the purchase—to prove Doug wrong by believing in the power that dope footwear could have on my confidence and my abilities with the ladies—stuck like a motherfucker.

It also bothers me that Sky Davis rocked lame sneakers in the streets rather than the shoes he was likely being paid to wear. As a kid, I saw MJ in his Nikes all the time, so more than anything it seems like Sky was simply being deceitful, effectively lying to his fans about this shoes he was endorsing who were not fortunate enough to run into him on a bench in the middle of nowhere (seriously, what the fuck?). At the end of the day, he was still collecting those endorsement checks, so, like, dude, if you don't like your own shoes enough to wear them off the court, then maybe you need to work that shit out with your sponsor first and foremost.

Later on in life, I found myself in similar situations to Doug. I would go to Foot Locker or Champs to buy some new kicks, they would have a size that was too big, and, like Yung Funnie, I would try to rationalize the purchase. See, as a kid, there's a bit more planning that goes into buying sneakers because there's only a small window in which they will actually fit. In my case, I would tell myself that I would "grow into them" later, whether justifying some G-Unit Reeboks or some slip-on Iversons. This desire to complete the purchase—to prove Doug wrong by believing in the power that dope footwear could have on my confidence and my abilities with the ladies—stuck like a motherfucker. Even today, for better or for worse, it's that same feeling of "I need [insert jawn here] to be cool" that fuels a lot of my buying choices.

So look, I'm not saying any of this is even a little bit good. It's actually kinda sick and, yes, I have a problem with buying sneakers and clothing in general. I'm also not saying that I can wholly blame my deeply-embedded consumer habits entirely on a single episode of a particular cartoon. What I'm getting at is that maybe the writers of the show didn't think this one all the way through. Once the matters of basketball and pride are out of the picture, Roger was still the one with the dope kicks, totally justified, if not still a dick, in calling Doug "lame," and, most of all, probably getting the girl, while Doug sat in the dark, writing in that journal of his and shooting crumpled up paper into the trash can with only his dog to keep him company.

Most of all, Doug only fucked with his lame sneakers after discovering his idol wore them too. So, when you break it down, how is that any different then going out and buying sneakers because your idol wears them? Doug got lucky because he didn't have to spend any money, but it's the exact same thing. Then again, I guess his "regular shoes" kind of look like Rick Owens joints to begin with. If I only I had known that as a 7-year-old.

10 Responses to “How Doug Turned Me Into A Hypebeast”

  1. Dan

    I love Four-Pins really.. but this is the dumbest article I’ve ever read

  2. Giuseppe Riviella

    I think you’re missing the point. Yeah you’re right in respects to the world we live in today, but it breathes materialism (and very loud creepy breathing at that) you can be cool, feel cool, and better yourself without buying into commercialism (or keeping up with the Jones’ so to speak). I’ve had to same pair of shoes for almost two years now, and I like the me who I am today rather than the kid I was when I bought them. And you know what? Besides my a pair of flip flops, slippers, and dress shoes they’re the only shoes I’ve got bubb.
    So I think the moral of the story is you can do fine without buying an expensive pair of shoes that everyone wants and doesn’t even fit. Sure you can go to another store and buy them, but they’ll still be expensive. And sure even into today’s world of internet shopping you can even get them online. But we live in a world where we can get what we want. It’s very easy. But just think of what you learn and how much you can grow not getting what you want. And putting the money toward something useful, helpful, or even selfless.
    As for Sky Davis, not wearing his own shoes, I guess it didn’t fit with the lesson that needed to be learned. Which would be even if you’ve got everything sometimes the good ole stand by is what you favor best.
    So I urge you not to be so closed minded and just say this guy is stupid because of this materialistic reason or that vain concept, because not everyone is on such a low level as yourself.

    • jack

      you are so swagless get off you’re making us look poor

      • Giuseppe Riviella

        U dnt kno me.. step off plz. Even if you don’t tho, I still don’t see ya, beleive dat.

  3. truejake2

    I made it half way through this awful article and had to give up…. Seriously, learn some adult vocabulary and stop using and reusing words like “swag” or “kicks”. You are a garbage writer provided that you are any older than your average 9th grader

  4. Sam Diss

    Well I thought this was kind of ‘The Wave’. Am I doing this right? ‘The Wave’?

  5. Gucci Bandana

    lol at all of the people getting upset because someone decided to use common colloquium instead of stilted language.

    Save all of that rhetoric and definitive language for a dissertation defense, we came here to hear this dude talk about his experience with Doug and how it influenced his adult rapport with materialism and the like. You seriously can’t say you didn’t come out of your way to click on this article, skim it, then put some paltry response of “Well it didn’t speak the way I speak and it certainly didn’t reflect my attitudes, so automatically it’s rubbish.” Enjoy your close minded universe full of droll and retired dialog from court dockets.

  6. xxx

    I imagine when the cast of doug grew up, Roger was fucking patti mayonnaise and doug was depressed with no bitches because that’s how real life works.

  7. DEATH SHROUDS.......

    This had me rolling. The funniest part of that episode was when Roger was running in them when they were hooping ROFL!!!! Good times….


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