Bad news, males! You can read Four Pins every single day. You can stock up on Monitaly. You can dress yourself in the finest garment dyed suits from Italy. But guess what? You still won’t be in style, and you’ve got that pesky Y chromosome to blame, first and foremost.
You see, according to Style.com, lesbians are so hot right now. Actually, in their own words: “Lesbians! They’re everywhere.”
Everywhere, Style.com? Yes, everywhere! Lesbians at the DMV. Lesbians at the roller rink. Lesbians at the Home Depot (duh).
Obviously, as Style.com helpfully points out, this is because the dearth of straight men in fashion means that the ladies have no choice but to turn to one another for emotional and sexual fulfillment. Because if someone doesn’t share your field of work, everyone knows your paths will never cross, so you better throw in the towel and just start banging chicks. Being a lesbian is totally just a convenience thing.
But be warned, lady lady-lovers, before you start running around like you own the place, there is an underlying question within Style.com’s unwanted peek into your bedroom as to whether or not this “phenomenon” will always remain in style or if it’s just this season’s passing fad. In other words, you might still be here/queer in F/W 2013, but everyone else may very well have moved on.
So, who could be next? To the listicle!
1. Midgets: These little guys are the perfect mix of looking like babies without needing to be fed or carried anywhere. Plus, they barely need to tailor their Thom Browne pants and host fabulous dinners in Florence.
2. Old People: I’m not talking about the smartly-dressed Upper East Side, Advanced Style set. I’m talking about really old people who need to be wheeled to Lincoln Center by an orderly who secretly wants to kill them. Old like Moby in that video where he’s in the nursing home. Super old, babbling incoherently (like most people in fashion), wearing what ultimately looks like a bathrobe-muumuu hybrid (like most people in fashion) and slightly racist (like most people in fashion). How chic is that? I just chic’d my pants!
3. Bedouins: Gyp Set! Gyp Set!
4. Tejanos: I recently saw the last five minutes of Selena on TNT and was struck by just how severely underserved this community is by the fashion machine that doesn’t generally look favorably upon that thing where girls have their lips one color and then the outline of their lips a darker color. But it’s 2012 and they times they are a-changin’, so let’s ring up the peeps from Opening Ceremony and book a one way ticket to Corpus Christi.
5. Midget Bedouin Lesbians and the Elderly Tejanos Who Love Them: If you can’t beat ‘em, make up something equally offensive and join ‘em.
Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.