Jorts: A Manifesto

Every generation develops a new technology that completely changes the course of humanity. Sir Isaac Newton created gravity. Christopher Columbus invented America. Zac Morris originated sexting. Steve Jobs discovered the Apple Phone. These are all fine inventions, but the greatest innovation of the modern world is easily the jean short aka The Jort aka The Wearable Pussy Soaker™.

Much like electricity and Sriracha, no one knows exactly who invented jorts. Folklore has it that after Jesus turned water into wine, he turned everyone's robe bottoms into jorts so that they would no longer be restricted in their turn up movements. Regardless, the Jort Genesis™ will forever remain a mystery. But what isn't a mystery is the inherent utility of jorts.

Men's shorts these days, much like Millennials themsevles, are dainty and not durable. Eat some BBQ ribs and one wipe of your sauce-laden fingers will make your twill cargos disintegrate. Jorts, however, are indestructible. Jorts are the Juicy J of the Alphet World. They are incapable of dying and possess a seemingly infinite relevance. 2014 is the Year of the Jort™ and there is nothing you can do about it, but clad your sexy ass haunches in abridged denim. Combat Jack predicted their return earlier this year. James Harden wore them while throwing out the first pitch for the Houston Astros. The wave is undeniable.

I know you're probably thinking, "Cool satire and hyperbole, buddy, but you won't catch me wearing jorts our here in these steaming summer streets." First off, it's not hyperbole. Secondly, I'm not your buddy, buddy. This is me, sitting in front of a computer, standing in front of you, bringing The Feeling™ back to New York (or wherever you happen to live).

Here is a handy list of people who rock jorts on the reg: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Marc Wahlberg (of Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch Fame), Shia LeBeouf, Gheorghe "The Not So Gentle Giant" Muresan, This Fucking Legend Who Is The Face Of The Wikipedia Page For Jorts, Andre Agassi (WHO WORE THEM WHILE WINNING ALL THE TENNIS) and, of course, the motherfucking OG Secretary of Swagriculture himself, Soulja Boy. If you wouldn't want to be a part of that veritable Who's Who of American Heroes, then fuck right off and emigrate.

Conversely, here is an equally handy list of people who did not rock jorts on the reg, or ever: Hitler. Hmmm, really makes you think.

To further illustrate my point, I'd like to direct you to the dope ass Venn diagram (above) that I created by running a super complicated, genius level regression analysis in Excel using hella macros.

Jorts can be the cornerstone to a strong look, and your refusal to acknowledge this is why your Tinder/Grindr game is rubbish, why your life is worthless and why your progeny will be mired in fuccboism for generations to come. Fuccbois beget fuccbois. Cop some jorts and break this cursed cycle.

I can personally attest to gaining more than 20 Facebook friends after I posted a picture of me wearing jorts. My wife of five years also let me have sex with her for the first time after laying eyes on me wearing jorts. Do not block your blessings. Jorts are the best of both worlds, like a mullet. Let your beautiful, powerful hindquarters breathe. Permit your shin follicles to feel the compassionate summer breeze. Allow that denim to keep your peen protected. Get yourself some jorts and finally realize what it truly feels like to be alive.

Justin Roberson is willing to die for these jorts, man. Follow him on Twitter here.