I was under the distinct impression that every day was Christmas when you're rich, but if there's one thing rich people love more than cold, hard cash, it's Jesus' b-day throwdown. And what better way to celebrate the birth of World No. 1 Lord And Savoir Heavyweight Contender than with a $150,000 Bespoke Global Falconry Companion? Avian S&M husbandry home starter kits might seem insane to filthy, disgusting, impoverished folk such as you or I, but to the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gift customer this kind of shit is pretty much impressively under par—Do you take private lessons?—for the expertly manicured—Do I look Mexican to you?—course. The standard of holiday season Caucasian high-end publicity trolling, Neiman Marcus' Fantasy Gift guide makes The Robb Report look like one gigantic, glossy food stamp.
This exercise in pure, unadulterated mail order flexing dates all the way back to 1939, but really took off in 1952 when Stanley Marcus—bullshitting on the spot in an effort to get some free radio love—said Neimans would be selling a live Black Angus (delicious when dead) and sterling silver barbecue cart (blinding when clean) combo pack for $1,925. This scheme proved so popular that over the years the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book and Fantasy Gifts therein actually became one of the the most stolen pieces of mail in America—an early precursor to the chain snatch. To get an idea of what we're working with, here are just a few of the opulent opulences that have been opulented over the years:
-A Chinese junk you had to pick up at the Port of Houston, $11,700
-His and hers hot air balloons, 1964, $6,850
-Noah's ark complete with endangered species, 1970, $588,247
-Autographed letters from George and Martha Washington, 1975, $8,500
-Personal zeppelin, 1979, $50,000
-Endangered land preserve (plus naming rights), 1999, $200,000
Last year's Fantasy Gifts totaled a balmy $2,053,900, BUT you do get the $15 you spent on the Christmas Book back once you make your first purchase, so that's pretty fucking tight because, you know, the dude who drops 100 racks on a "Heritage Hen Mini Farm" probably wants to break even on his catalog. Well, that's enough Wikipedia for one day! Let's get into 2013's Fantasy Gifts and feel really bad for ourselves when we have mac and cheese—Without truffles? WHAT ARE YOU, AN ANIMAL?!—three nights in a row for dinner.