The New Nike Free

Nike just unveiled a whole new crop of Frees, which is great because you NEED new Nikes right now because how DARE you consider wearing ANY of the sneakers you copped last summer, you pitiful, epic strug pharaoh. Several of these new models utilize Flyknit uppers, including the new Flyknit 4.0, which provides "exceptional natural flexibility," while the 3.0 serves up "ultimate natural flexibility." As for "exceptional" vs. "ultimate," the latter seems like it would be better, but it sounds a bit too turbo if you ask me. It kinda sounds like you're one of those freaks who rocks 5 finger shoes to dinner, references Food, Inc. at ever turn and goes climbing without a harness like anyone could give two shits about your superiority complex. The other new Free models include the 5.0, which doesn't feature Flyknit technology, but is probably the most alphet ready tbh. You can shop all of these right now and even iD a bunch like a young Damien Hirst, so have at it.