On Excess And The Most Expensive T-Shirt Ever Made

Holy shit. This T-shirt costs $91,500. And that’s before sales tax. At first I thought it had to be some wack mezzanine level brand’s sad attempt at garnering media attention by having such an extravagant piece of shit for sale, which would almost make sense if it was, like, a Google type shirt or something that interacted with your environment, while simultaneously monitoring your vital signs on some interfaced dork shit. But no, this is just a fucking T-shirt made out of a crocodile.

With that said, the crocodile better have been doing the finest Colombian blow off the hottest naturally busty hookers in the whole goddamn universe. And smoking blunts with weed that costs $200 a gram, wrapped in the rarest fucking tobacco you’ve never heard of. And drinking Scotch that was old enough to vote two elections ago. And driving cars that are obvious attempts at compensating for its tiny crocodile dick. And obviously never wearing the same pair of socks twice, Damon Dash style. For real, the crocodiles that were used to make this shirt better have been so rich that they murdered people (by chomping them real proper like obviously), were acquitted AND awarded EVEN MORE money from the State for wrongful prosecution.

The fucked up thing is that I actually like Hermès stuff because I genuinely like overpriced shit. Whenever someone makes that dumb argument that "all you’re paying for is a label, man" I just laugh. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, SON. PAYING EXORBITANT AMOUNTS FOR ANYTHING IS KINDA THE WHOLE POINT OF ANYTHING EXORBITANT. IT KEEPS MENSWEAR DOGS IN THE MALL AND OUT OF MY ATELIER.

So, in one way, I’m all for this shirt. The same way I’m all for Trinidad James walking around in $500 slippers with no shirt on and multiple ounces of gold draped over his person. I love excess and the "fuck you" that being extremely gauche broadcasts to everyone around you. You can’t take money with you. But you can burden your progeny with the knowledge that they could have been rich had you not spent it all on fun things like clothes, vacations from vacations, probably a horse or two, drugs, booze, bail, lawyers, ET CETERA.

Go ahead, point out how this tee is exactly like wearing several years of college tuition—at a really expensive liberal arts type school where you get to learn how to smoke weed and disappoint women emotionally and sexually—on your back. Talk about how roughly 1 in 6 AMERICANS struggle with getting enough nutritious food to eat every day. I’m not saying that all of the above isn’t very true. Or that money should be spent helping to solve problems. What am I saying? I’m simply saying I would be ignorant as fuck if I ever got real money. Give me several million dollars and I’ll put in several million dollars worth of bad decision making. Rollies for the who clique? SURE, WHY THE FUCK NOT? Investing in an upstart coconut water businesses? DUH. All white leather Eames loungers? YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

But then, even then, I wouldn’t buy this stupid fucking T-shirt. I mean, not unless I saw a picture of Kanye wearing it with a mask made out of crystals. Then I’d consider it.