The Ultimate Guide To Pretentious Interiors

Congratulations, homie! After landing a real job in the city you’ve paid off your student loans and expelled all the peasant brands from your wardrobe. But the work has just begun. What? You thought you’d arrived? It would all be gravy from here on out? Living luxe is a never ending escalator my friend and the next step is getting your household in order. Striking that ever so subtle balance between vintage and modern (toward which pole will your spot skew?) is harder than it looks. “But why?” you ask. “I don’t care about interior design. That’s for girls!” Well, it comes down to the essential truth that dictates all male action—tryna get some stank on your hang-down—only now you’re in a whole new pay grade. You might have fooled college girls and interns with your tailored Ludlow suit and passable Seiko, but now you’re after real, professional ass women, and it takes more than some hardbottoms to get the oven started. Even though they totally put their career first and don’t want to conform to society’s gender expectations, they might-just-maybe-still-want to have a baby and they need to know you’ve got the means to buy, and the taste to decorate, their future home. This is crucial shit. Sure, your twenties were about solidifying your closet, but this is an entirely different arena, old man. Where to start? Uh, the fucking Internet, of course. Here is our ultimate guide to pretentious interiors.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

  • Schwartz

    Skrong levels of tell-it-like-it-is eloquence. “tryna get some stank on your hang-down” real talk.

    • lawrences

      v skrong

  • Tiago

    Next level shit: a vintage bicycle somewhere, not that you ride it, just so people think you do.

    • Andrew

      Nah bruh. A vintage CAR.

      • Tiago

        That’s like post-next level shit bruh bruh

  • Tellis

    This is amateur and written like a douche-bag third-grader.

    • lawrences

      So, you have zero sense of humor. How’s that been working out for you?

  • CliffHickstable

    *DISCLAIMER* Do not attempt until AFTER moving out of your mother’s basement/attic/garage/guest house

  • Kerry

    Alright, I cracked with this one “chemistry set looking ass coffee thingy.”

    • swizzle

      Chemex. Get there.

  • Shane

    BRB-Erasing Jadakiss Youtube link from history.

    • rz

      but why?

  • Alexander

    v correct on all accounts

  • Gerald

    Lmao these are the reasons why four-pins has been my favourite blog for the past two months.

  • Andres

    This is well done

  • Snottie_Drippen

    Trill Shit!

  • Matt

    #based #chifforobe

    • Kay

      lmao this guy really dropped Chifforobe

  • Art

    This is the most pretentious shit ever.

  • Desi

    Damn I only have access to the seamless. Black or White background? it doesn’t matter, I’ll just put up the other!

  • Tyler Fulton

    If you click the “congratulations, homie!” link, it’s Jadakiss. Wasn’t expecting that!

  • spiritual guide


  • Zoe
  • Ding Dong

    As a single reasonably unattractive man with a nicely appointed apartment, I’d like to advise all the cynics out there that sharp, albeit pretentious, digs will indeed lead to some “stank on your hang-down” in a remarkably effective fashion.

    • scot sims

      That and $500. cash.

  • AMY

    This article could also be called, “What a-hole store is this?” or “What a-holes work here?” or “what tradeshow booth is this?”

  • Shadi Perez

    Angelo since I took the pic I will educate you about the photo. First off we don’t normally sleep here because its where i work. I actually have a normal bedroom but there was a problem with our boiler and the heat in the studio was out of control and this was the coldest room. It was a Saturday so I made breakfast in bed for my lady cause I’m a nice guy, I’m so nice that I wont have you remove the pretentious interior picture that you are posting without my permission. Do you write for Portandia? Your kinda funny butt….

    • Lawrence

      Hey Shadi, I can go ahead and credit the image if you’d like. Lemme know.

      • shadi

        Sure give me a credit. A check for usage would actually do more good. I can contact my Getty Images rep to get you the current rates. Do the editors, writers and web designers work on a credit system too? Angelo if your reading this” I love your cat pictures” keep up the work in sure you’ll have long career as a writer.

  • Kad

    I got to say that the end made it.

  • cs

    The fastest way to prove you’re not reached sufficient levels of pretension is to use the word couch instead of sofa.