Some Things Our Token Black Guy Learned During Fashion Week

Image via Complex Original

Models are awkward as fuck

Oh my God, I know this is a given, but if you can experience the terror in their eyes up close and personal it will make you SMH on Exorcist levels of SMHery. N. Hoolywood was a dope ass show: quirky clothes with the perfect soundtrack in the back, but I don't get why it has to be a prerequisite that the dude got no poon until he was 22 because his sister's roommate heard he was going to be a model. Fuckin' Beavis and Butthead walked the runway, yo. The fuck? My feels were all out of wack. And then you got the dudes doing a “presentation” who couldn’t do shit. Zero movement, b. What if they nuts itched? That’s like when you’re playing hide and seek and you’re in a bangin’ ass spot, but as soon as you get settled and quiet, you gotta piss like a racehorse. I imagine that’s what modeling is like during a presentation. Don’t ever ask me to model anything unless "modeling" is actually eating a sandwich in a corner by myself.

Fashion people are all about free booze

Another given, but this shit had dudes literally not buying drinks at dinner. “Heading to an open bar in an hour, don’t want to waste that $5 on a beer lulz.” First off, it’s impossible to get slizzard in New York because there are 1,232,234 other motherfuckers with that same mindframe standing up at the bar trying to pick up drinks for their 16 boys standing in the back with one hand in the pocket of their DB and the other in the back of their trou with their thumb in their pooper all in unison. I was about to bring a syringe and apply some booze straight to the veinage, but I wasn’t that figuratively thirsty.

Some bloggers can ball, but most cannot

There, I said it. Others may have been thinking otherwise, but take it from a true playa from the Himalayas. While some of the dudes playing during the Fall Classic NYC had strong games, most need to quit the

yappin' on the social mediaz and stick to men's style as far away from a basketball court as possible. Like, Jupiter or some shit. I live this shit, so if you don’t come correct, you may get a face full of my dillz. (See: Exhibit A.) I won't name names because I'm not that big of a dickhead and all the dudes who participated were awesome people, but if I could only judge them on their basketball skills I would hate them.

Black guys love to fashion too

Living in Des Moines, you get used to being the Token Black Guy, let alone the Token Stylish Black Guy. When your boy stepped into Street Etiquette’s “SLUMFLOWER” showing, it was like a runway show broke out in the middle of casting The Cosby Show. Gentlemen and ladies alike, dark and light, were running through that joint looking dapper as fuck, while simultaneously purveying their success and overall excellence as a racial species. It was actually funny to see these three white guys walking around looking wild minority. Shit made me proud, yo.

People who wear hardbottoms are n00bz

I learned this the hard way, unfortunately. I was totally out-fashioning snitches with some Tricker’s that were made of bricks and Satan’s underfoot, while everyone was in their comfy Nike’s and Y-3’s. I was all like, “You pricks are done for. I got this.” But they owned the secret that I hadn’t been put onto yet: While there is some sitting, there is way more standing and walking and shuffling at this Fashion Week shit. I did more walking during fashion week then all the days I’ve lived in Iowa. Let me be the guy to tell you to wear your most comfortable shoes during NYFW week or by the end of it your feet will be so twisted they'll be throwing up gang signs.

Pizza grease will literally fuck up your whole fashion week

Y'all see my Margielas, man? #Humblebrag my ass. These shits are so turnt up and I spent too much good money on these to let some dollar slice pizza grease fuck them up something proper. By the time the damage was done, a single slice done legit cost me $300 and still gave me the runs. Luckily it was after all the halfway decent shit had happened because I was finna stay sulking in the crib watching What's Happening re-runs.

White people don't know "Shabba" yet

Seriously, how do people not know this song yet, let alone wreck shop when it’s playing? I requested it at the Carson Street party expecting it to turn into that Velociraptor Jesus Rave Camp GIF with the kids crying. You know WTF I’m talking 'bout. There were like six people total who got wavy to that joint and everyone else was all, “Like, ewwww. Who is this? Nelly?” But they were hella happy when some fucking Ace of Base came farting through the speakers. In that moment I lost what little faith I had left in the fashion world. Twas the night the wave died, B.

You can pleasure yourself to your own Tommy Ton street style photos

As soon as I saw this shot by TT on GQ.com, I popped a straight bonecone. That picture is sexy as fuck, right? You know how your eye starts twitching a little when you're about to climax? That's me whenever I look at this picture. I told y'all Tommy Ton wanted to paint me, but, like, with a camera photograph or whatever. Dreams do come true. I could've gone home off the strength of this snap alone.

I’ve been catching a lot of flack for this shirt, which is understandable, but I think y’all are missing the point. While you look at it as a stupid purchase to get attention, I see it as a stupid purchase I can make because my scrillz are hella on point right now. We coppin’ frivolous shit out here, cuh. Step your silly-shit game up and maybe you’ll get some love from the gallery too, you basic bitch.

Fashion Week is FUN

You can’t spell “Fashion Week, motherfuckers” without “F-U-N”. While anyone who actually lives in NYC and experiences shit like this on the reg was all jaded by that shit, they still managed to show a newcomer a good time, even if they were putting on a facade of enjoyment. I highly recommend experiencing New York Fashion Week at least once with people you know so you can be all, “Yeah, it was cool, but I wanted to see more extended length silhouettes in forest green or chartreuse and less navy blue, but whatevs, ya know? Let’s go do some coke.”

Jon Moy looks like he's 50

Homie legit looked like he was pushin’ menopause, walking around with a beard that smelled like my grandpa's grundle and rocking a pre-historic cane off some high quality PKs. Still thought, he's the nicest person you’ll ever meet and I couldn’t believe how much these ruthless motherfuckers made him walk, but, like, after all the shit he’s talked about Des Moines, I really didn’t feel all that bad. Eat a dick, Moy.