"Diamonds & Wood" is an ongoing series in which music critic Shea Serrano breaks down the 5 hip-hop tracks you need to hear this week.
Sometimes things just don't go all that great or perfectly or even a little good or even even just not totally shitty. Sometimes things just go poorly. To wit, the last three days:
Friday:
My wife's car broke down. I spent approximately 4.25 hours fixing it. It was maybe 2,000 degrees Celsius outside. By the end of the session, it felt like if someone was placing a hot frying pan on my neck and shoulders. Still, I enjoy working on cars very much. It makes me feel extra manly (sometimes I'll just take a handful of car grease and rub it across my face just like Crocodile Dundee probably used to do). If it's been a particularly successful venture (I didn't break any fingers and a car didn't fall on my chest, while I laid under it), when I'm done I feel like I should be walking around pounding on my chest, eating lion steaks by hand and smacking my cock on things. This was a successful venture. I walked inside, shouted, "BIG DADDY'S DONE! CAR'S FIXED! I'M GONNA BE INSIDE YOU TONIGHT, WOMAN!" and then declared I be fed hot wings for my victory. Wife acquiesced. She put the boys to sleep, left to go pick up the food and I sprawled out on the couch with a king's gravity. Twenty minutes later she called and said the car wouldn't start.
Saturday:
My wife's car broke down. I spent approximately 2.75 hours fixing it. It was maybe 18,000 degrees Celsius outside. By the end of the session, it felt like Satan was resting his fiery, 400 pound devil dick on my back. After running through a particularly ridiculous troubleshooting list (uh, maybe I need to drop the transmission, or maybe I need to replace the gas cap, or maybe I need to install a six-CD changer), my dad diagnosed the problem in less than five minutes. I will never be better than him. He fixed the car from more than 200 miles away. I was glad he didn't demand to be inside me in exchange.
Sunday:
Chief Keef was in Houston on Sunday or, at least, he was supposed to be. I don't know. I don't know if he ever showed up. I just know I didn't get to see him. I went to his show. Doors opened at 8, which means I didn't need to be there until 10 to see him, which really meant I didn't need to be there until 11:30 to see him. I got there at 11:15 p.m. Here's a transcription of my internal conversation during the concert:
11:30pm: This is gonna be dope. I hope I don't get stabbed during the mosh pit, but I definitely want to see SOMEONE get stabbed during the mosh pit.
11:45pm: Cool. Any minute now. These bitches for sure look like they really do love Sosa.
12:00am: Um…
12:15am: What the fuck?
12:30am: What the fuuuuuuck?
12:45am: What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck???
1:00am: WHAAAAAT THAAAAAA FUUUUUUUUUUUCK??????
1:15am: I'm very sad. I'm going home. I'm sad about this.
And then I went home.
Sad weekend. Sad life.
I am glad to be pressing the Reset button today.
1. Chief Keef, "April Fools"
"Hey, hey, hey. What is going on here?" – Mr. Belding
"What is this? Is he...this is disgusting." – My wife
Dawg, I mean, yo, what the fuck is going on here? What is this? What's he saying? Is he saying anything at all? When are they releasing the English version? Is Chief Keef post-language? Is he so far into the future that we just can't possibly keep up or understand or even exist in the same space and time as him without being entirely flabbergasted?
When I got home from the not concert, I checked Twitter. Chief Keef went onstage twelve minutes after I left.
2. Azealia Banks, "ATM Jam," featuring Pharrell
Father: "Do you, Summer 2013, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to honor and obey, for as long as you both shall live?"
Summer 2013: "I do."
Father: "And do you, Pharrell Williams, take this season to be your own? Do you pledge to share your life openly with it and to make hot shit for it in love?"
Pharrel Williamsl: *five seconds of robot noises*
Father: "Then it is my pleasure to announce to everyone here, to proclaim that Pharrell and Summer 2013 will forever be wedded."
3. Kyle Hubbard, "Official High"
Introducing Kyle Hubbard. This is John Everyman rap. Get familiar.
4. Chance the Rapper x OG Ron C x Slim K, Acid Rap: Chopped Not Slopped
This is beautiful. Chance's Acid Rap, which, make no mistake, is amongst (and maybe even is) the very best rap projects of the year, pulled and stretched and thumbed into this ghoulishly, nearly macabre version. Love, love, love.
5. Mac Miller, "Myspace Connections Freestyle"
This is pretty dope. Like, maybe ALL THE WAY dope even.
Shea Serrano is a writer living in Houston, TX. His work has appeared in the Houston Press, LA Weekly, Village Voice, XXL, The Source, Grantland and more. You can follow him on Twitter here.
