Yesterday, the nominations for the 86th Academy Awards were announced. While the Academy’s choices were certainly interesting, we couldn’t help but think that there were a few awards categories that they left out. No one cares about Best Sound Mixing—they just want to hear about boobs and drugs and what movie Ashton Kutcher is going to ruin this year. While the Academy may be too good to present awards for these superficial feats, I, on the other hand, have no dignity or shame. So, without further ado, I present to you the first annual Four Pins Movie Awards.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. award
2. mikewilliams
Black Guy Who Died Quickest In A Movie
Trey Songs - Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D
Kevin Hart – This Is The End
Lenny Kravitz – The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Winner: Michael K Williams – 12 Years A Slave
You come at the king, you best not miss.
3. springbreakers
Best Fellatio Given To A Producer To Get A Role
Olivia Wilde – Rush
Margot Robbie – The Wolf of Wall Street
Mireille Enos – World War Z
Maria Bello – Prisoners
Winner: The Entire Cast of Spring Breakers including James Franco.
Don’t act like you didn’t, Selena.
4. butler
Film Thirstiest For An Oscar
August: Osage County
12 Years A Slave
Captain Phillips
Philenoma
Winner:
Lee Daniels’ The Butler
How’s that snub feel?
5. franco
The “I Hope I Didn’t Leave My Iron On Because I Haven’t Been Home Since 2012" Award
Paul Giamattii - Saving Mr. Banks, Romeo and Juliet, Parkland, All is Bright , Turbo, and John Dies at the End
Melissa Leo - Charlie Countryman, A Single Shot, Prisoners, Lee Daniels' The Butler, Oblivion, and Olympus Has Fallen
Winner: James Franco – Homefront, Sal, As I Lay Dying, This is the End, The
Iceman, Spring Breakers, Oz: The Great and Powerful, Lovelace, Palo Alto, Child of God, Third Person, and Interior. Leather Bar.
James Franco is the hardest working cat in the business. He was in 12 films in 2013 alone and you can’t even find the energy to order Chinese food over the phone. You should feel bad about yourself.
6. lonesurvivor
The "I Cried Like A Little Bitch" Award
Winner: Lone Survivor
If you’d seen me, you would have thought I was going through menopause and listening to Adele.
7. dallas
Film Most Likely To Be Mispronounced By Your Mom On The Phone
Specific Rim
Jon Don
Remission
Honest: Orange County
Winner: Dallas Mavericks Club
“It’s the one with the man from Failure to Lunch and the girl who’s married to Brad Affleck...hold on...let me ask your father."
8. joaquin
Most Uncomfortable Masturbation Scene
Joseph Gordon Levitt – Don Jon
Jonah Hill – The Wolf of Wall Street
Danny McBride – This Is The End
Winner: Joaquin Phoenix – Her
The mustache didn’t help either.
9. tomhanks
Best Glorification Of A Total Asshole
Benedict Cumberbach as Julian Asange – The Fifth Estate
Tom Hanks as Captain Richard Phillips – Captain Phillips
Leo as Jordan Belfort – The Wolf of Wall Street
Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs – Jobs
Winner: Tom Hanks as Walt Disney – Saving Mr. Banks
Walt Disney wasn’t just antiemetic, he was a member of the German American Bund, a pro-Nazi organization in the 1930s. Super lame.
10. jamesdeen
Best Pornstar In A Major Motion Picture
Winner: James Deen – The Canyons
Not that James Deen, guys. Although I guess, "You’re tearing me apart!" is a line spoken in both their movies, but the implications are slightly different.
11. laststand
Least Fucks Given By An Actor In A Shitty Movie
Bruce Willis – A Good Day To Die Hard
Brad Pitt – World War Z
James Franco – Oz The Great And Powerful
Robert De Niro – Grudge Match
Winner:Arnold Schwarzenegger – The Last Stand
Arnold has never cared about the quality of his movies, but recently he’s regressed into fabled "old man in sweats eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon" territory. I guess he’s just starring in movies so he can afford to hire new maids to impregnate.
12. judy
Most Cocaine Done During Production By An Actor In A Leading Role
Charlie Day – Pacific Rim
Tom Cruise – Oblivion
Lindsey Lohan – The Canyons
Sharlto Copley - Elysium
Winner:Dame Judy Dench - Philomena
If you don’t think that this old broad rips lines in her trailer like she’s an '80s hair metal groupie with low self-esteem, then you're straight up lying to yourself.
13. idris
Best Morgan Freeman
Morgan Freeman – Last Vegas
Morgan Freeman – Now You See Me
Morgan Freeman – Oblivion
Morgan Freeman – Olympus Has Fallen
Winner: Idris Elba – Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
See what I did there?
14. oprah
Best Gigantic Monster That Ruins Everything
Smaug – The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Kaiju – Pacific Rim
Winner: Oprah Winfrey – Lee Daniels’ The Butler
“And if you all look under your seat, you’ll find a big middle finger! And you get a middle finger! And you get a middle finger!
15. meryl
The Dame Helen Mirren Award For Lifetime Achievement In "Can Still Get It"
Michelle Pfieffer – The Family
Kim Basinger – Grudge Match
Julianne Moore – Carrie
Sandra Bullock – Gravity
Winner: Meryl Streep – August: Osage County
Damn, Meryl Streep just wins all of the awards.
16. afterearth
The "I Got This Role Because Of Who My Dad Is" Award
Winner: Jayden Pinkett Smith – After Earf
Hey, not everybody can be Willow. I mean, she did “Whip My Hair”. Why even bother trying to match that shit?
17. evildead
Best Totally Random Cameo
Channing Tatum – This Is The End
Channing Tatum – Don Jon
Tony Danza – Don Jon
Ed Harris - Gravity
Winner: Bruce Campbell – Evil Dead
If Bruce Campbell is in a movie—even if it’s only for a few moments—I will go to see it. He might secretly be the best actor ever.
18. thordarkworld
Best Flow
Oscar Isaac – Inside Llewyn Davis
Bradley Cooper – The Hangover Part III
Jake Gyllenhall – Prisoners
Leo – The Great Gatsby
Winner: Chris Hemsworth – Thor: The Dark World
It’s Chris Hemworth’s hair’s world. We just live in it.
19. wahlberg
Worst '90s Musician To Appear In A Movie
Lenny Kravitz – The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Mariah Carey – Lee Daniels’ The Butler
Lenny Kravitz – Lee Daniels’ The Butler
LL Cool J – Grudge Match
WINNER: Mark Wahlberg – 2 Guns
This movie was almost as bad as The Happening. Almost.
20. peeta
The "Hurry Up And Die" Award
Winner: Josh Hutcherson as Peeta Meelark – The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
I honestly feel bad for Josh Hutcherson. He seems like a really nice guy, but his character is seriously the worst. Like, zero redeeming qualities.
21. vincevaughn
Career Ender Award
M Night Shamalan – After Earth
Shia Lebouf – Howard Cantour.com
Keanu Reeves – 47 Ronin
Ryan Reynolds – R.I.P.D.
Winner: Vince Vaughn – The Internship, Delivery Man, A Case of You
I hate Vince Vaughn more than I've ever loved any single person in my entire life. I want to start a reverse Kickstarter to make sure he's never in another movie for as long as he lives. There's a special place in hell reserved for Vince Vaughn along with murderers, rapists and telemarketers.