If you could fix one thing in the world—anything at all—what would it be? Most of you probably answered "pants," which obviously is the correct response. Thanks for playing, "world hunger." Why don’t you let the adults take it from here, huh?
Pants are pretty much the worst thing ever. First of all, you have to put them on, which is horrifying on all fronts. You've gotta squeeze your blob of a body through tight denim like Colgate toothpaste through a tube. Then you've got to wear them all day, while your lower body becomes a fucking furnace. Oh, and every time you finish using the toilet you have to use your zipper aka dick guillotine. Needless to say, a world without pants is a better world.
I mean, think about it. Could Mahatma Gandhi have beaten the Nazis if he was wearing slacks? Of course not. He stopped all over their Jerry asses in nothing but a bath towel. Also, I'm not really too good with history. Point is, you should try to live your life free from the oppressive claws of pants. In this list you will find 20 ways that you can drop trow without anyone noticing or caring.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. 20nopantslead
2. meth
3. walmart
4. wheelchair
5. sauna
6. redhot
7. fannypacke
8. kilt
9. riskybusiness
Dress Like Tom Cruise In Risky Business
Dressing in a button-up, Wayfarer, and whitey-tighties on Halloween isn't simply reserved for unoriginal, slutty girls. Make this fad come back full circle and sport the Risky Business for guys. And don’t stop in October! Wear this getup at each and every costume party you go to. Wear it to holiday celebrations that don’t even require a costume. Mardi Gras, St. Patty’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, fuck it. Soon, you'll be sliding across the linoleum in your briefs at the Bar Mitzvah that you crashed when you were shitfaced on a Monday. Sorry David, but part of being a man is having emotional scars from seeing another man half-naked. Get used to it.
10. hostpial
11. homeless
12. girlfriend
13. cowboy
14. dreaming
15. dad
16. sitatadesk
17. bathrobe
Get A Sweet Bathrobe
Have you ever wondered how Hugh Hefner was able to have a child at age 65? Two words: no pants. The Hef knew better than to let the tyrannical leg repression that is pants rule his shit. No tight jeans would tell his nads when to stop producing fertile sperm. Instead, this guy decided to flip the world on its head and wear a bathrobe all the time, so he could knock up a girl forty years his junior during a NCIS commercials break.
18. nudist
19. mustardstain
20. mayergawd
Dress Like John Mayer A La Paradise Valley
If you wear ten layers of huge shirts and drape a goddamn quilt over yourself no one should be able to see whether or not you're wearing pants. Although, if you’re standing alone in a grassy field in the middle of nowhere, does it really matter what you're wearing in the first place? I'm waiting on Katy Perry to weigh in on this one.