Are all of your friends shitheads? Do you want to clean house and start fresh before you hit the big 3-0? Of course you do. But friends are hard to get rid of. They leech onto you and are all like, “Listen to my most intimate secrets that I'm going to tell you because I trust you.” Gross dude. I don’t need to know stuff about you.
So, how do you get rid of them? Well, lucky for you, I've got this handy list of the different ways you can totally lose all of your friends for when you are in desperate need of purging your entire social circle.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. friendslead
2. dontsharedrugs
3. passiveaggressive_whitecastle
4. bikeeverywhere_bikerumor
5. recepits
6. stopdrinkingtrulydeeply
7. hittingonwaitress
Always Hit On The Waitress
"I'll have the chicken breast. Hold the chicken. Hey-O! Seriously though, I've gotta leave real quick without tipping because there's a Manswers marathon on in twenty minutes and I have a micropenis."
8. poorcommunication_byu
9. friendsbed_laxseries
10. vegan
11. factchecker_b5z
Become A Fact Checker
"Actually, the star of Couple's Retreat was Vince Vaughn, and not, in fact, a pile of dogshit." Yeah, whatever, same difference.
12. uninvited
Show Up To Places Uninvited
Last week you showed up drunk at his sister's quinceanera at two in the afternoon. You tried to sing the song from Three Amigos, which was kind of racist considering the setting, but threw up in the punch bowl before you could get to the second "my little buttercup." This is always a solid way to get people to stop talking to you.
13. flauntmoney
14. singalonglastfm
15. guitarflickr
16. opinionatednetbloke
17. assholefriends
18. mooch_relishments
19. besthairstyles
20. beerfanpagetoolkit
Become A Craft Beer Snob Because You Saw An Episode Of Beer Wars Once
You won't drink Stella because Anheuser Busch is its distributor? I think you might be getting a little carried away. Like, I know you're all against corporate greed or whatever, but earlier I saw you drinking straight from a Coke two liter that you bought from Walmart, dude.