Do you have trouble meeting your goals? Do you feel like you're always letting yourself down? The problem is that you're aiming too high. You think things are going to work out for the best and you're still in denial of the fact that your future will almost certainly be set in a black pit of despair and misery. But don't worry, there’s a solution to your problem: LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Reinvent yourself!
Create a new you!
The world is kinda-sorta-not-really your oyster! Just don’t shoot for the stars—they're a million light years away. Shoot for a Denny's off the New Jersey Turnpike when you're drunk at three in the morning! Shoot for mom jeans for men! Shoot for being on a first name basis with the Chinese food delivery guy!
Are you taking part in Lent or Jewish Lent this year? Don't be give up chocolate like a little bitch. Give up your standards. Preempt your disappointment by lowering your expectations. George W. Bush was our president and he was a C student at best. Embrace your failure. Be a rat king. A dark star of worthlessness is rising. Let mediocrity reign!
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. mediocrelead
2. giveupondreams
3. goals_new
4. onlydategirlsoffensive
5. alone
6. neverlookforanewjob
7. allelasticwastebandshit
8. nevergotogym
9. LOOSEMORALS
10. comfortzone
11. inlovewithpets
Befriend Only Pets
Real friends can be disappointing. They can't hang out and watch Jean-Claude Van Damme movies with you at noon on a Wednesday because they're busy with their "job".
Animals, on the other hand, don't give a single fuck. They don't harbor human emotions like disgust or pity. I mean, your dog eats his own poop for Christ's sake. So, needless to say, the fact that you've been wearing the same clothes for three days is totally fine by him. Sure, you can't really hold a two-way conversation with your pets, and they only love you because you feed them, but it's way better than the alternative.
12. apocolypse
13. abandonhygiene
14. livethroughTV
Live Vicariously Through TV Characters
While your life may totally suck, television characters have awesome lives. You're probably worried about how your affairs are going to turn out, but if you imagine that you're a television hero, you know everything's going to work out in the end. In TV land, you will get to drive a sweet car, get the girl and toss out cool one-liners all the time. Need more action in your life? 24. Need more drugs and Wallabees? Breaking Bad. Need more friends? F.R.I.E.N.D.S. "I wish I was rugged and mysterious," you cry. Well, you have nothing to worry about because Juan Diego of the Spanish soap opera Expectativas Irrealista is the most rugged, mysterious motherfucker around. Dude's got an eye patch, so you know his past is wild checkered. Or, should I say, your past?