Sometimes I get emails from the ol’ Editor-in-chief that go something like this:
Subject: For Tomorrow
Body: *some link to some bullshit like “THE Minimal Sneaker"* Your hits are a little late, fuckface.
AND I NEVER KNOW IF I’M SUPPOSED TO WRITE ABOUT THE MINIMAL SNEAKER SERIOUSLY OR MAKE FUN OF IT. See, editor-in-chiefs are into trends and styles that us regular writers aren’t that up on yet and sometimes mistakenly make fun of. WHOOPS. So, I’m gonna be a bitchy little girl and just assume I was supposed to be making fun of these all along.
First of all, THERE IS NOTHING MINIMAL ABOUT FLUORESCENT COLORED GALOSHES. I mean, at least according to my definition of "minimal". And you’re probably gonna be like, “But Rothko used a ton of color and his works are quite minimal.” HE DIDN’T USE BRIGHT FUCKING PINK, BRUH, SLASH I’M NOT SURE WHAT ELSE TO SAY ABOUT ART BECAUSE I OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ART. ALL I KNOW IS CHIAROSCURO. OH YEAH, AND THAT GEORGIA O’KEEFFE PAINTED VAGINAS THAT LOOKED LIKE FLOWERS.
I also know that these "sneakers" aren’t actually sneakers at all really. AND THAT “ART” APPARENTLY COSTS YOU $430 A PAIR. These are like Common Projects except they’re ugly and will remind you of a Syfy Channel made for TV movie in which the "crazy alien lifeform" is really just a giant moth or something easily created in post-production. Aliens don't look like moths. ALIENS LOOK LIKE SAM CASSELL.
