“Kids these days.” You know the phrase all too well because kids have the tendency to do the kind of wildly dumb shit that absolutely baffles the already weakened mind of us "older" folk. Granted, I'm neither trying to comment on those terrible brats who toss shopping carts off supermarket roofs, nor am I referring to 6-year-olds starring in booty popping videos on YouTube. (Can a 6-year-old even comprehend all that ass? I'm not sure we want to know the answer to that question. On second thought, I definitely do not. Don't email me.) And fuck even remotely getting involved with that whole kids soaking tampons in vodka and “butt chugging” thing because that’s just plain disgusting.
Breathe half a sigh of relief since the kids I want to talk about are not of the aforementioned variety. Nope, I'm trying to make some sense of the Internet-empowered seventeen and eighteen-year-olds all too eager to assimilate everything clothing related they come in contact with. This generation of rebloggers is perhaps the greatest transgressor of this phenomenon thanks to the enormous image k-hole of dudes in clothes we have all created. Spreading like an STD you get from shoving things up your ass at a party, our online culture of fancy boy worship has officially gone rogue.
Seriously, you're a cellphone holster away from being first blood in a Lord of the Flies remake.
Being real for a quick second, I get that this whole hashtag menswear thing is blowing up and you want to impress your buddies, but you seriously have no business fussing with a bow tie for 30 minutes during 5th period gym. You guys are intelligent adolescents (fingers crossed) that aren’t at that point in your lives where you need to channel your inner Cary Grant just yet. Relax a little and take your foot off the gas pedal. There’s no need to look like you’re dressing for the boardroom when you’re really about to play some board games. Seriously, you're a cellphone holster away from being first blood in a Lord of the Flies remake. Yeah life is about dressing well, but it's also about dressing appropriately for the occasion—"accordingly" and "according to what old guys are doing on the Internet" is not the same thing FYI.
And if we’re really going to be frank with each other, I’ll let you in on a little secret—I'm speaking to you as a recovering addict. I too fell prey to all this. What I’m saying is, you’re young and so am I. This is our time to experiment and be fucking outrageous with all facets of our lives. I've gone through many trials and tribulations of the sartorial variety over the years and I'm still learning new things about myself every single day. What I like today is different than what I liked three months ago, or maybe even three days ago. Mastering personal style is the kind of long term endeavor that requires patience, and isn't simply a keyword search, contrary to what some blogs would have you believe. Let's not be too quick to look three times our age while we're still mastering the art of shaving without nicking ourselves. If all this made you reconsider your current suited and booted phase in a whole new light then I guess I did my job. If you think I should fuck off, then you need to calm down. All that ass liquor is making you belligerent.
Daniel So is a writer living in Brooklyn. Follow him on Twitter here.
